I want to choose you.

Went to Asheville and Winston-Salem, NC.

My stomach in knots.
Your face hidden behind my eyes.
I cannot see another, not the way I saw you.
Feeling confused. Trapped.
My heart is pounding.
There is something I need from you
Something I cannot explain
Just completely enchanted, captivated.
There was something real, can't you see?
Eyes filling with tears, heart breaking again.
I needed you to be with me.
It was hard for me to understand
I wish you let me in.
I wanted to know you, all of you.
Desperately scratching at my insides
I am screaming a whisper, dying to tell you,
I love you. After all, I love you.

During a walk on Christmas I daydreamed about a life with you.
Caring for you in ways that were difficult before. I miss you. I just really miss you.

Sadness sets in.

Stowe, VT.

Went to the Ben and Jerry's factory. Climbed a mountain. Learned some things about myself.

I have noticed a pattern in myself, so beware if you're not a family member.(cos you're stuck with me)

I've realized I am unable to keep someone around for an entire year. It's true, every friend I've had, every relationship I've been in has never had a 1 year anniversary.
SO I have to believe something is terribly wrong with me.
I push people away because I don't want to be rejected. I figure, that before I get hurt, I'll be the one to do the hurting, that way I don't have to go through being let down.

As a strong believer that all emotions I have in my adult life have come about from something that happened during my childhood; I just can't put my finger on exactly what happened. I always recall my parents being loving towards me, and my siblings loved me I think...hmmm interesting.
Perhaps as I got older something happened. I have started to think I should blame it on dating too early. I don't think my family had anything to do with it. I think I was too influenced by friends and significant others at that time.
Specifically boyfriends..and being in a high school relationship, of course it didn't "work out" why would it? It was high school. But at the time it meant everything to me and my heart got terribly broken, and I was cheated on and made to feel like I wasn't good enough. That there was someone worth more than me and my feelings didn't matter.

I don't talk to most people about this stuff, and if you happen to be reading this, I don't want to talk to you about it now. If you feel like it, keep reading, but seriously, don't ask me about it because I will clam up, not know what to say, and probably just get awkward and upset.

I suppose I just get into a "funk" as some may say, and I don't want anything to do with anyone. I want to just sit in my melancholy emotions and probably cry.
But my heart does hurt. And I wish I knew what was truly wrong with me and though I think I know how to help myself, I feel I can't do what I need to right now. It's these walls I have in front of me...they've been broken down in the past but they always seem to build themselves up again before I realize I need to put sugar in their concrete.

I just get scared of being left behind. I get scared that one day you tell me you want to be with me forever then the next day I watch you walk away and wonder again to myself, "what have I done?"

I don't like having regrets, but if I could go back I wouldn't have had any boyfriends because at this point I believe they are the culprits in making me feel so negatively about myself. (or at least they have a lot to do with it)

I know that most of my posts on this blog are sad and I apologize for that. I just find that I am a lot better at writing everything out than I am at speaking. And because I don't like talking about this anyway, I choose to write it here. For the whole world to see if they so please.

It's a way for you to really get to know me and my burdens without me having to discuss them with you, which I won't anyway.

We all have burdens and pains we sometimes don't share but for me, I have to get it out sometime otherwise I think my heart would break right out of my chest. And this is how I choose to let it out.

"You told me you loved me so why did you go away?...now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes..all that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss. Never thought we'd have a last kiss. Never imagined we'd end like this. Your name, forever the name on my lips...We can plan for a change in weather and time I never planned on you changing your mind."

Melancholy.

Stowe Pinnacle Mt.

Return of Winter Blues

I know this life is supposed to be full of fun and adventure but lately it falls short.

I don't exactly know what I'm doing, where I'm going...Occasionally an idea will stick in my head about the next step but then, sadly, it fails. Or I fail, I don't know...

With Christmas coming I know I should be excited and yet I feel so lonely. Wondering, will I one day, ever, spend a Christmas with someone really special? It seems hopeless and I just want to get away.
I really do find it so hard to believe that a man can look at a woman and think "there's no one else in the world I want to be with." Is that really possible anymore? Why does it seem so unlikely?

I miss the days of traveling across the country. Seeing the glorious landscapes and feeling a new breeze in my hair. The fresh scents of the open spaces in Wyoming and the laid back, loving friendliness of the folks in South Dakota. It's amazing how different things are here in New York. No one wants a thing to do with you, at least that's how it feels sometimes.

I miss being in a place where no one knows me and I can be just who I want to be without someone thinking I'm crazy or 'different.' I know that all places have ups and downs but perhaps the downs wouldn't be so bad if I was somewhere new and different. I've thought that in the past though and running away never changed anything. I am still stuck in the emotions inside my head.

I miss the freedom that Grayson Highlands made me feel last Summer. If only I could bring myself to go back there.

I just hope this Winter won't feel too cold and lonesome.

Hopeless Daydream.

-I had a dream that I was laying in sweet warm grass on a bright sunny day. I closed my eyes and smelled the fresh air. When I opened them I looked at the bright blue sky filled with soft white clouds that looked close enough to float into.
Blocking out the whole world and dreaming of a life I could not seem to find. However I felt I belonged there, cozy in the warm grass.
Abruptly awakened by the desperate crying of a man missing someone. I went to him, asked what was wrong, and all he could do was cry. I knew he was hurting. Hurting for his lost love. I knew this because I felt the same. As tears rushed through my eyes I held him close and we cried together. Two lonely people desperate for a lost love.
When our tears finally started to dry we walked to that place in the grass. Laying down, he sighed the most lonesome sound I had ever heard, and I did the same.
Just two lonesome souls wishing to drift away in the clouds passing above us. -

I often find myself wondering if love can ever truly be found. It is this, among a few other things, I struggle with. I want to believe that one day the man of my dreams will arrive. Destroying every doubt I have ever had in my mind.
I find it hard to believe that one man will truly love one woman enough to have the desire for her presence whenever they are apart. It seems that it doesn't really make sense. As if it is some fairy tale told once when I was young.
In real life, fairy tales don't exist. I have to wonder why we are told such lies when we are so small. Why should we dream of our prince whom will never come? As we grow older we realize this truth...or I suppose it's just me feeling this way.

Once I thought I found him, I truly started to believe in such love. However, it all fell apart, not to my surprise. I still look back, knowing, or at least wishing I could have done things differently.

Why do I chase something that was never there, something that could never really exist for me...when will I ever learn?

I miss everything about you.

My only hope.

It has been two weeks since the passing of Nannie. It just so happens, that I put my Pandora station on and Only Hope by Switchfoot came on. In the last hours that song reminded me of Nannie. She was so close to seeing God's face, to being held in His arms. Safe, warm, and perfect. I know that right now she is singing praises...I can almost picture it. Though it's impossible to even imagine what heaven looks like...I know it must be breathtaking.

I don't know if I'll live to 90..I don't really want to. I know Nannie lived such a good life. Did so many things and created wonderful lives for those she loved. My own Mother learned nearly everything from her and I see it more everyday. My appreciation for my mom grows constantly. When I look at her I see someone different. She's not like she used to be. I know caring for her mom has truly changed her; given her a different perspective on life. She's sort of sad now, but not sad from such a loss but from not having someone she loved so dearly and in such a special way to take care of anymore. Perhaps she's unsure of her next step. Either way, she almost captivates me in a sense now. She's so strong and so loving. She loves unconditionally in ways I'm not sure I ever could. Supportive in every sense of the word and so incredibly giving. With risk of sounding too sappy, she leaves me speechless.

We have been able to spend time together, but it's not the same as it used to be. We're both different. Older and more mature I think. We both see things differently and perhaps appreciate a lot more about life.

All in all, I find that I am incredibly blessed to know this woman whom is not only my mother but my friend. I just can't express in words how one of a kind she is. There is no one like her. No one I know would do what she did for her mother and for that, among many other things, I am totally speechless. She has the biggest and most unselfish heart of anyone I have ever come in contact with. Caring so much more for everyone else around her more than herself majority of the time. (Which upsets me sometimes because she deserves to take time for herself). My mom is certainly a special woman and honestly, I'm not sure what sparked this rant about her but these are things I have been thinking about her but just never took the time to write them down. I'm not much for speaking, I feel I'm better at writing what I feel so I'm relieved that I was able to express all these things in a relatively understandable way. 

I also want to share the lyrics to Only Hope:

Only Hope
There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give You my apathy
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

-Switchfoot

Mom and I in the reflection of a balloon.

A Matter of Losing

I never really knew what the process of death really meant. It hadn't truly crossed my mind that I would watch a loved one pass so slowly yet quickly. It's one of the most disturbing things I have ever experienced. It makes me angry that the Lord hasn't taken her yet and sad to see her breathe so slowly.

"Are her eyes still open?" I asked....
"No, she closed them..so it's not so creepy." replies my mom.
My eyes fill with tears, I sigh and shrug my shoulders apologetically, feeling guilty for thinking she looked such a way.
"I know Brit....Lord please just take her home...it's our desire." Mom prays.

She just doesn't look the same, it's as if she is just a shell with a beating heart. I know she will see glory soon but soon isn't soon enough. She deserves to be dancing in a field filled with flowers and singing on the streets of gold. (Or at least sweeping them because I know she would enjoy that.)

My own body feels weak and just simply scared...
So many emotions running through my brain, I don't know where to begin...

What I have learned.

July 27, 2011

Back safely to NY. I arrived yesterday afternoon. Laurie and I drove all night long. A 21 hour trip took us 24 hours which means stopping for gas, restroom or sleep only added 3 hours...Can you imagine how tired I was?! Extremely! So much so that I passed out on the hard wood living room floor at Camp Erimelbritt. My lovely sister, whom traveled from Spain for some unspoken reason, told me my face was smashed into the floor. Yea...I was tired.
The Mall of America in Minnesota was alright. Nothing but a big mall is how I saw it. After seeing such amazing sights along the way a mall wasn't too impressive to me. I did however purchase a made in America, American flag tee shirt. Due to my new found patriotism. Now that this trip is over I want to share what I have learned.

To live every day to the fullest.

I think too many times in our lives we forget what life is all about...it's about living! Don't take advantage of the little moments in our days that truly matter. Too often we take advantage of the fact that the ones we love are around us and if they're not, we need to make that happen. Our loved ones may not always be there. Moments in our life will never come again and I think we forget to share those moments with the ones we truly love. Looking back on your life and remembering all that you have done, what do you want to remember? Spending money on the next big, expensive toy? Or spending the day with family, having a picnic or cuddling on the couch with your precious somebody? Do you want others to remember you for having the biggest and the best that money can buy or for loving those around you unconditionally? We shouldn't fight with people, we should love them and make an impression on their life, and perhaps the world will start loving one another more.

I also learned to do what you love.

There are times we waste days away feeling miserable about what our day entails. I don't see a point in spending our precious time feeling upset about life. In all that we do we should love it. If we love what we do we will put our whole heart into it. Regardless if what we do means we don't make a lot of money or seems uncool to someone. Who cares?! We can't please every person we encounter. We just need to believe in who we are and never let go of that. God has made us all for a reason and if your purpose is to scrub toilets and you love it, DO IT! Scrub with all your heart and never ever listen to those that may put you down. Those are the people that are more than likely unhappy with their own lives. Life isn't about the money you make, the money you spend or how impressively but you build your house to be. Life is about how you spend the days you are given and who you loved along the way. Don't just tell someone you love them, prove it and be sure to never take for granted life's little moments. Sit back and enjoy a sunset and always remember to never give up on the dreams you have and the love you have for them.

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One more thing I learned.

I see no point in chasing after someone who may never be there for me. I'm referring to someone in a relationship sense. I spent too much time feeling sad or trying to get someone to be interested in me or present in my life when they clearly had no interest. Why? To get let down in the end. From now on I will try my best not to initiate any sort of contact with a man. If he seems interested I'll give him a chance but I will no longer be upset if I don't hear from someone. Life is too short to deal with such confusion and pain. In all honesty, I'm not sure how that will go, but I'm interested to see. I just feel that trying so hard and chasing after someone like a lost puppy is pure stupidity. My heart has been broken enough to know when to give up on such dreams. Other dreams, however, like owning my own storefront, full speed ahead.

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A-bay sunset.

Me and my lovely sister

Melancholy at Camp Erimelbritt.

South Dakota Love

July 25, 2011

Cody, Wyoming was very cute. We went to a rodeo, not so cute but I made the best of it. I generally don't like anything to do with hurting or exploiting animals and to me. that's all the rodeo was. Oh well, it was an experience and that's about the only way to look at it. Then after Cody we went to Keystone, South Dakota to see Mount Rushmore. How amazing! Seeing the 4 presidents on that mountain side was so incredible. I'm not usually a patriotic person but everything involved with being at Rushmore made me feel different. Sad too. When learning again, about what those 4 presidents stood for and knowing the mess our nation is in now is so very sad. It's like no one even remembers what they did for our country and what they fought for. It makes me realize how so many people take our nation for granted. The bottom-line is, I'm more patriotic now.
People in SD are so nice and friendly! We stayed longer then we meant to because we met such nice folks at a store/bar. They make me feel like family. There was free cake and popcorn. It was like a family reunion. So funny and awesome! Now we're in Minnesota. Our last stop until New York.

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Yellowstone Sadness

July 20, 2011

Now in Wyoming. Laurie and I drove all night on about an hour of bad car sleep. We went through Utah, then Idaho, then to Wyoming...or something like that. Either way we went to Yellowstone National Park and I saw a moose!! Seeing one made me cry. All I could think of was how Gram had always wanted to see one. I got so emotional when I saw him, I had no idea I would. Then I also got emotional when seeing Old Faithful. I cried. It is just so incredible the natural wonders of God's earth.

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July 21, 2011 11:37AM

There are times I regret this trip. I thought I wouldn't have to feel so stressed out but I realized money is a huge stress for me. I didn't anticipate the real cost of everything. Oh well I have to make it work. Hopefully after the trip I will make some money at the craft shows!

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July 21, 2011 12:55PM

Staying in Wyoming again tonight. Right now we are out sitting by the pool. It's so nice. Hopefully I'm getting a nice tan right now. I've really been learning something about myself. I'm sort of confused about life. Things just feel so unclear to me. I've been questioning even who I am...

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July 21, 2011 2:04PM

Standing in the pool at America's Best Value Inn in Wyoming. I've been laying out for a while and I'm pretty sure I'm very tan or burnt. It's so nice out here though. Everything is pretty scenery wise. Rocks smashing upwards to the heavens and desert terrain that looks like what I imagine Egypt to be like. There are a few little lakes but not many. This little town called Cody has all the necessities plus opportunities to horseback ride or whitewater raft. It's amazing. I'm not sure if I would ever come back here. Just to Yellowstone for sure! I was sad that they didn't want to stay there longer. I would have gone hiking up at least one mountain. Or ever just a short trail. It seems to me that we just have different interests. I would sleep in the car or camp every night. I guess it's harder with a young kid though too. It's alright. I'm still thankful for being able to do this. I know I'll be going back to Vegas and Yellowstone. That's a definite! I'm looking forward to getting back to NY though. However, I don't know what is there for me anymore, except helping my mom care for Nannie...ahh, life...

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Horses in Idaho.

Melancholy at Old Faithful

Gorgeous.

What happens in Vegas....

July 18, 2011

In Las Vegas. It is insane here. I don't even know what to do with myself.

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July 19, 2011

Still in Vegas and still have not seen all there is to see. This is probably the brightest and craziest place I have ever been. Walking down Las Vegas Blvd. there are huge buildings with larger than life replicas of M&M's, coke bottles, and guitars. It's possible to see Paris and New York City, complete with lifelike streets and buildings. It's amazing. The clubs and restaurants are filled with music and dancing people constantly. It's as if no one ever sleeps. When we arrived here on the 17th I went out to a place called the Rockhouse Bar and Nightclub. I danced my face off...I think. It was unlike any experience I've ever had. I met a nice fella named Andrew, I'm not sure where he was from, but he wasn't very good at speaking English. We wandered off to a place called the Carnival Bar or something like that. I'm not even positive now what it was called. Whoops. I didn't arrive back to the hotel room until 4 in the morning. This is certainly a place to let loose! And I did, and it was awesome. The fact that I had a whole bottle of wine made it easier to let loose too, though. Now, at 9:10AM on Tuesday July 19th, I am very sad to be leaving here. However, next time I come out here Amanda is coming, there's not doubt about that. We will tear this place up and it will be incredible!

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Wine with love

Me and my traveling buddies.

California Times.

July 15, 2011

Sitting on Venice Beach Boardwalk attempting to sell some of my wares. So far, at 11:33AM no sales. Laurie and I got here at about 9:30AM and we were actually set up, after finding a decent parking space, at about 9:45. 11:54AM - first sale!!! A skirt and a top $60! Sweet deal! Next I hope Laurie sells something. The girl is from Cali too! So Sweet!
2:11PM, no more sales so far. Instead we are enjoying the freak show that IS Venice boardwalk. Men running in speedos, the poor folks that sleep on the grass behind us, and many different guys playing instruments while rollerblading or skating down the boardwalk. Currently a man is selling "medical" marijuana literally right in front of my table. Yeaa, medical....riight. What a joke. I can smell the weed in the air. Pure insanity. Everyone is so interesting though. I'm not sure who is from here and show isn't but I wonder about everyone's story. What they're doing here, why they came. If they are running from something like I sometimes feel I am. I do like it here, even if people are totally insane. I am too.

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July 15, 2011 9:20PM

Resting now in the hotel room. Just had some wine. Yummy. So far since I've been here it feels like I've been gone for a week. Tomorrow we will go to Hollywood and wander around. Should be fun I think. I really don't even care that much. I just wanted to try to sell some stuff and get away, see the country a little bit. I wish I made a lot more today at Venice but I don't think anyone could really see my stuff since it was flat on the table. Oh well though.

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July 16, 2011 8:37AM

You may not want to know this, but I'm sitting in the bathroom writing. I've been up since about 6:30, unable to fall back asleep so I went to breakfast in the hotel and sat there for an hour and a half. Watched the news and drank way too much coffee. Sometimes I hate being a morning person. The others are still asleep and I'm up getting ready for the day. It's kind of annoying for me. I wish I could have kept sleeping! Perhaps I'm still on NY time. It's almost lunchtime there. I suppose I can wash my hair, or maybe even shower. Haha.

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Riding the roller coaster on the Santa Monica Pier.

Airports

July 13, 2011 3:41PM

Currently sitting at the airport. My flight leaves at 6:05PM so I'm a bit early but I'd rather be early than too late. It's raining, even though the forecast was clear, it figures. The weathermen are always wrong. I forgot, well, I lost my MP3 player so I'm not looking forward to no music on my flight. Though with my self diagnosed ADD I will probably be distracted enough not to notice the time gone by. I'm noticing that everyone around me is chewing gum. With chewing gum comes snapping gum. I'm incredibly annoyed. Also, of course, there is a tiny child running around, eating chocolate and wiping it all over the seats. Maybe I'm insensitive but, control your kids!! On a happy note, there is a relatively attractive man sitting near me as well. He's on his laptop and looks very serious. I wonder what he's looking at. Back to the annoying child. From what I'm gathering, the family has a nanny whom is supposed to care for the child while her mother flies off to Orlando (according to the flight info at gate C2, where I'm sitting). However, the nanny is currently on the phone, snapping her gum and talking loudly. Now another child makes an appearance, an infant, crying in a stroller. Perhaps two infants because the nanny is now pushing a double stroller. All I can think is-I'm glad that's not my life. I suppose it would be a bit different if it was my own kids but at this point in my life, no thank you. I look forward to my flight.

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July 13, 2011 6:30PM

Flying 30,000 feet in the air, taking in the glory of the earth below. A screaming child behind me, kicking my seat...big surprise. At least I'm about to get some pretzels. I thought about getting some sort of alcohol but I suppose it's not necessary as of now. Unless the kid keeps kicking me. At least I can look out the window of this plane. One of my favorite thing is, indeed, flying. I love to be above the world, away from solid earth. Ooo, just got my pretzels. Too salty, I should have known. The clouds look like little cotton balls suspended above square, tan and green patches of farmland and trees. In the distance the sky is lined in white and light blue before stretching towards the heavens like a deep blue ocean. Moving closer to Chicago, where I will depart to LA, the clouds seem to grow. Now bursting upward like mountains of plush cushions. I dream of jumping towards them and falling asleep more soundly than a puppy. I ordered a drink along with the pretzels, cranberry juice. I rarely drink anything but water but for some reason whenever I'm on a plane I get cranberry juice. I have no idea why. It's delicious, nonetheless.
The last time I was on a plane I was headed back to NY from visiting Melissa in the Keys. Before that, I was headed back to NY from my favorite place, Mississippi. Thinking about my flight at that time, leaving from New Orleans makes me miss my time there. I miss it almost every day. Times are so different now. I'm different, my family is different, even Mama is different. I'm very unsure of a lot of things.I wonder why life is how it is. Why a healthy woman, the age of 60 loses her life and yet a 90 year old with nothing left of her memory and no muscle strength to do things for herself continues to live. If it's even considered any sort of life. It's hard to make sense of. I hope this adventurous journey teaches me something. I hope to regain more trust in God, that He does have a plan even if it feels that He has forgotten me and those I love.

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Scene from above the ground.

The journey begins.

I'm starting a blog about life and starting with my trip out West and the road trip back East.

June 26, 2011

Seventeen days until departure to Los Angeles. I can't help but think of a book I've read twice now. The book is called 'Best Friends' by Martha Moody. The book is about two girls who meet in college and end up going through a hard life as best friends. One girl is from California, the other, from Ohio. The idea that I'm flying to California reminds me of all the trips Clare (Ohio) made out to see Sally (CA). I sort of feel like a movie star. Or perhaps a real fashion designer. It makes me nervous to think about selling on Venice Beach. I know that if it's God's will, things will turn out well...or at least exactly how He wants them to. I look forward to the drive back. Seeing many states I have never ventured before. I think this trip is going to be very emotional as well as spiritual. I pray God pulls me to Him and helps me to appreciate His beautiful creation.

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July 7, 2011

It has been 5 years since Gram's passing. It's hard not to miss her. I'm grateful for wonderful memories though.
The trip across country is rapidly approaching! Just 6 days away until I leave! I'm nervous but mostly excited. It will be very interesting. I'm currently at Grass Lake on the porch. The certain time of day is approaching and I can feel the butterflies awaken in my stomach. I'm not sure why I get this feeling almost every day. Especially when I'm alone. I'm scared, or lonely, or just plain sad. I've started thinking that something is very wrong with me. My anxiety level was through the roof this past week. I got to the point of feeling ill and crying just because my mom wouldn't give me information that I wanted. Perhaps I'm some sort of bipolar. I have the worst guilty conscious of anyone I know. I hope this trip will clear some things up for me. I hope I don't end up never wanting to leave. There are just so many things I am uncertain of.
Why am I so easy to leave behind or forget about?
Am I not special enough to love?
What am I really searching for?
Who am I searching for?
I need this trip. I hope it doesn't end too quickly though....

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July 8, 2011

How does one claim they want to marry me but then go back on his feeling? This is something I don't understand. I would have dropped everything for him. I'm just not worthy of love I guess. That's how I get feeling at least.
Ahhh, this is depressing. On a different note, I set my tent up for the French Festival! It seems promising! I really hope I can do well. I need to make at least double the booth space and it would be amazing to triple that. California sun is getting closer. I can almost feel it.

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