Hopeless Daydream.

-I had a dream that I was laying in sweet warm grass on a bright sunny day. I closed my eyes and smelled the fresh air. When I opened them I looked at the bright blue sky filled with soft white clouds that looked close enough to float into.
Blocking out the whole world and dreaming of a life I could not seem to find. However I felt I belonged there, cozy in the warm grass.
Abruptly awakened by the desperate crying of a man missing someone. I went to him, asked what was wrong, and all he could do was cry. I knew he was hurting. Hurting for his lost love. I knew this because I felt the same. As tears rushed through my eyes I held him close and we cried together. Two lonely people desperate for a lost love.
When our tears finally started to dry we walked to that place in the grass. Laying down, he sighed the most lonesome sound I had ever heard, and I did the same.
Just two lonesome souls wishing to drift away in the clouds passing above us. -

I often find myself wondering if love can ever truly be found. It is this, among a few other things, I struggle with. I want to believe that one day the man of my dreams will arrive. Destroying every doubt I have ever had in my mind.
I find it hard to believe that one man will truly love one woman enough to have the desire for her presence whenever they are apart. It seems that it doesn't really make sense. As if it is some fairy tale told once when I was young.
In real life, fairy tales don't exist. I have to wonder why we are told such lies when we are so small. Why should we dream of our prince whom will never come? As we grow older we realize this truth...or I suppose it's just me feeling this way.

Once I thought I found him, I truly started to believe in such love. However, it all fell apart, not to my surprise. I still look back, knowing, or at least wishing I could have done things differently.

Why do I chase something that was never there, something that could never really exist for me...when will I ever learn?

I miss everything about you.

My only hope.

It has been two weeks since the passing of Nannie. It just so happens, that I put my Pandora station on and Only Hope by Switchfoot came on. In the last hours that song reminded me of Nannie. She was so close to seeing God's face, to being held in His arms. Safe, warm, and perfect. I know that right now she is singing praises...I can almost picture it. Though it's impossible to even imagine what heaven looks like...I know it must be breathtaking.

I don't know if I'll live to 90..I don't really want to. I know Nannie lived such a good life. Did so many things and created wonderful lives for those she loved. My own Mother learned nearly everything from her and I see it more everyday. My appreciation for my mom grows constantly. When I look at her I see someone different. She's not like she used to be. I know caring for her mom has truly changed her; given her a different perspective on life. She's sort of sad now, but not sad from such a loss but from not having someone she loved so dearly and in such a special way to take care of anymore. Perhaps she's unsure of her next step. Either way, she almost captivates me in a sense now. She's so strong and so loving. She loves unconditionally in ways I'm not sure I ever could. Supportive in every sense of the word and so incredibly giving. With risk of sounding too sappy, she leaves me speechless.

We have been able to spend time together, but it's not the same as it used to be. We're both different. Older and more mature I think. We both see things differently and perhaps appreciate a lot more about life.

All in all, I find that I am incredibly blessed to know this woman whom is not only my mother but my friend. I just can't express in words how one of a kind she is. There is no one like her. No one I know would do what she did for her mother and for that, among many other things, I am totally speechless. She has the biggest and most unselfish heart of anyone I have ever come in contact with. Caring so much more for everyone else around her more than herself majority of the time. (Which upsets me sometimes because she deserves to take time for herself). My mom is certainly a special woman and honestly, I'm not sure what sparked this rant about her but these are things I have been thinking about her but just never took the time to write them down. I'm not much for speaking, I feel I'm better at writing what I feel so I'm relieved that I was able to express all these things in a relatively understandable way. 

I also want to share the lyrics to Only Hope:

Only Hope
There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give You my apathy
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

-Switchfoot

Mom and I in the reflection of a balloon.