Wednesday, December 26, 2012

A love like no other.

I haven't cried much in the past couple months until this week.
On Christmas Eve, I was sitting in church, looking around and couldn't help but noticed the married couples snuggled close together, enjoying the holiday together and in love.

I felt as if I was the only person sitting there alone with no hope of finding love. A few tears slipped out but I was able to compose myself and keep on listening and smiling when I needed to.
It's not always easy to remember that I still have God's love...and sometimes it just doesn't help to hear that. I know He loves me and He is all I need but how can I feel happy while watching couples embrace and show each other their love for one another.

I am so thankful to have Mama. She makes me feel loved and needed, she's always happy to see me and eager for me to embrace her so she can sneak a wet kiss in. Having Mama to love and cuddle with certainly makes me feel a lot less lonesome but obviously, as a human, I still need more. I truly am starting to believe I am destined to be alone and just have a big house full of animals..and I know that won't be so bad. However, people will think I'm really weird and crazy, and they'd be right.

I think the love that an animal has for his or her owner is the closest to God's love that I've ever experienced. No matter what you do to them, they will still love you, eagerly wait for your return even if you were only gone for 5 minutes, and stare at you with a look of amazement (that's what Mama does to me at least). I've never felt so special and needed.

I know what you're thinking, I'm a little strange and creepy but I know that the heart I have for animals and the way I feel about them was planted inside me when I was young by God. Not everyone will feel the same and there are many people that will never, ever understand. Those are the people that don't consider pets a part of the family, leave them in the cold, and forget to feed them. I strongly dislike those types of people.

When I started writing I was kind of sad, but now I am just thankful that I have Mama and the unique heart that I do.


Mama loves me.

Monday, October 22, 2012

If I'm dreaming, I don't want to wake up.

Loving the new Mae album! This music brings me right back to high school, but the good parts about high school.

This song in particular has a special meaning to me but I'm keeping that a secret.




These lights and numbers are a bright sign
Smoke-filled casinos, but what do we know we'll take a chance
Looking for cheap thrills and fast rides
Spin till we're dizzy, the gamble, the sleep and now we dance

We stumble up and down the concrete
Led by distraction, the empty attraction keeps us blind
Never intending for the complete
Like shadows and alleyways, the unknown continues biding time

We're chasing heaven as it fades into black
Can't get it back, no, we can't get it back
It's like we're running crazy 8s 'round the track
Can't wait to come back, can't wait to come back

Could you stay with me tonight?
We sleep for dreaming and away it goes
And I'll make you believe one last time
And let you feel it as my heart explodes

We sit and drink up on the cop car
Playing illegally, the boredom of fantasy, we're done
I've never, ever loved you so hard, but is that reality
We can't face the battle in the dark

We're chasing heaven as it fades into black
Can't get it back, no, we can't get it back
It's like we're running crazy 8s 'round the track
Can't wait to come back, can't wait to come back

Could you stay with me tonight?
We sleep for dreaming and away it goes
And I'll make you believe one last time
And let you feel it as my heart explodes

Could you stay with me tonight?
We sleep for dreaming and away it goes
And I'll make you believe one last time
And let you feel it as my heart explodes

We sit, we think, and we figure out just right where to start
As these waters rush together, we keep ripping them apart
Is this truth? Is this real? Is there something more to feel?
Do we chase the sensation of lying uphill?
Have we now reached the end...just to find the beginning again?

Stay with me tonight
We sleep for dreaming and away it goes
And I'll make you believe one last time
And let you feel it as my heart explodes

Could you stay with me tonight?
We sleep for dreaming and away it goes
And I'll make you believe one last time
And let you feel it as my heart explodes

Could you stay with me tonight?
We're chasing heaven as it fades into black
Stay with me tonight
It's like we're running crazy 8s 'round the track
Could you stay with me tonight?
We're chasing heaven as it fades into black
And I'll make you believe one last time
It's like we're running crazy 8s 'round the track - Mae




Brit

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Autumn Begins - Learning.



The 8th of October was my 25th birthday. It's pretty crazy to think that I am now a quarter of a century old. Makes me feel even older wording it that way.

What have I accomplished in these years? I know I've learned an incredible amount of things about myself, the people in my life and the people that are no longer in my life.

I understand things about myself that I never really understood before, and I think I know the reasons for my thoughts and actions. It is always a journey and a struggle to change the things I don't like but some of those things will probably never change and that's OK too. All of us have insecurities and doubts about all things in life and I know that's completely normal. Subconsciously, I think our brains know where we are meant to be and who is meant to be in our life. I know it is also God putting us in those places and with certain people...or at least He's allowing those things because we will learn something.

In my recent past I chose to let go of a couple very special people. One is a very, very special little girl. She's only 5 but is extremely smart, loving, and compassionate. I fell in love, and for those of you that really know me, I don't really like kids all that much. I never grew up having them around me so I never learned how to deal with them. However, when this little girl came into my life something changed inside of me. Something I didn't quite understand; I felt a love for this person that I've never felt before. And she loved me, adored me, actually. When certain situations arose, I was no longer able to be in her life and my heart broke. It was, indeed, my choice but I knew I no longer had a place in her life. She didn't need me anymore and it just seemed it didn't make sense for me to be present any longer. I am still heartbroken over this but I learned something. I learned that I can love a child and a child can love me. A sort of compassion grew in my heart and now I look at children in a whole new way. I think learning that was the purpose of having those people in my life. I will always miss her but life is so full of hard decisions and I knew this was the right one for me and her. In the long run hearts will mend and move on to another person to love.
_______________________________________________________________

We went to the Blue Rose Restaurant for a birthday lunch! Located in Newport, NY my grandma often went to eat there. It was really special to think she often ate there and it was the first time I've ever been there! We had a good time and ate some pretty good food!


I was also able to spend some time at our family camp. There was a lovely rainbow and I was able to capture this cool photo with Mama looking at it!


Me being silly and sitting in a stump. Haha


It's been a nice October so far. Very busy, but good. Though I'm not looking forward to the cold, I am looking forward to fall festivities and Christmas! Stay tuned for more fun!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Summer, it fell

Oh the sounds of Summer leaving us behind in the cold.

"Summer, it came
like a light across the highlands
and we laid it down.
You wore a dress
made of light from the islands
and we sent postcards home.

In dying light
this was not to be forgotten
because we are the chosen few.
Into the sea with the touch of softest cotton
Beneath this angel moon
Its been keeping me awake

Leaving this behind was my first mistake
and I'm not so strong
to be satisfied by all the things I've done
and the things it threw away.

You wrote your name
as we lay among the heather.
What you left behind
Following paths that would lead us both together
Let us lose our minds
Its been keeping me awake

Leaving this behind was my first mistake
and I'm not so strong
to be satisfied by all the things I've done
by the things it threw away.

Summer, it fell
and it coursed across the highlands
and so quickly gone.
Your faded dress for years now tied away and silent
and the night's late lullaby
has been keeping me awake.

Leaving this behind was my first mistake
and I'm not so strong
to be satisfied by all the things I've done
by all the things it threw away.
By all the things it threw away" - Tariko


Me and my BFF's will miss you summer.
Until next year.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Summer Sadness.

I know it's been a while since I last posted, and you know that I usually post only when I'm down in the dumps. Sadly, I admit that when I'm sad is the only time I like to write.

I went through old poems recently and it's amazing how I can remember my exact emotions when writing, I can also remember where I was and of course who the poem was about. They are mostly about my most recent past love.

For some reason, when I'm feeling sad I remember him, which only makes me more sad. I often look back on past relationships and wonder what it was that I did wrong. I know I'm not supposed to live in the past but I have serious issues.

I really do find it hard to commit because I always convince myself I'm not good enough. I know I've posted about this before but I'm feeling this way, yet again. There is a really great guy in my life right now, but I can't help but fear it's not going to work out and I am sick and tired of things not working out.

This is why I just run away from it completely. It always seems like the best solution....

There are knots in my stomach and I just want to cry.
My thoughts drift to you again, knowing all that's left is pain.
My feet constantly stumbling on the words you say.
I tell myself you're a liar.
Is is really possible you're any different?
No, those are impossible thoughts.
I've been just as naive in the past, only to be beaten down.
My heart is forever in pieces, knowing I will never find him.
Destined for loneliness, this much I know.
It is easier to walk away.
You'll find someone else and I will be left in the rain.
Missing the times I thought we could be something real,
Knowing deep down, I'm not close to being worth it.
You were all I wanted but I will never be enough.