My only hope.

It has been two weeks since the passing of Nannie. It just so happens, that I put my Pandora station on and Only Hope by Switchfoot came on. In the last hours that song reminded me of Nannie. She was so close to seeing God's face, to being held in His arms. Safe, warm, and perfect. I know that right now she is singing praises...I can almost picture it. Though it's impossible to even imagine what heaven looks like...I know it must be breathtaking.

I don't know if I'll live to 90..I don't really want to. I know Nannie lived such a good life. Did so many things and created wonderful lives for those she loved. My own Mother learned nearly everything from her and I see it more everyday. My appreciation for my mom grows constantly. When I look at her I see someone different. She's not like she used to be. I know caring for her mom has truly changed her; given her a different perspective on life. She's sort of sad now, but not sad from such a loss but from not having someone she loved so dearly and in such a special way to take care of anymore. Perhaps she's unsure of her next step. Either way, she almost captivates me in a sense now. She's so strong and so loving. She loves unconditionally in ways I'm not sure I ever could. Supportive in every sense of the word and so incredibly giving. With risk of sounding too sappy, she leaves me speechless.

We have been able to spend time together, but it's not the same as it used to be. We're both different. Older and more mature I think. We both see things differently and perhaps appreciate a lot more about life.

All in all, I find that I am incredibly blessed to know this woman whom is not only my mother but my friend. I just can't express in words how one of a kind she is. There is no one like her. No one I know would do what she did for her mother and for that, among many other things, I am totally speechless. She has the biggest and most unselfish heart of anyone I have ever come in contact with. Caring so much more for everyone else around her more than herself majority of the time. (Which upsets me sometimes because she deserves to take time for herself). My mom is certainly a special woman and honestly, I'm not sure what sparked this rant about her but these are things I have been thinking about her but just never took the time to write them down. I'm not much for speaking, I feel I'm better at writing what I feel so I'm relieved that I was able to express all these things in a relatively understandable way. 

I also want to share the lyrics to Only Hope:

Only Hope
There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give You my apathy
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

-Switchfoot

Mom and I in the reflection of a balloon.