Saturday, January 9, 2016

Silent Songs

God tells me I need to sing. I don't know why. I don't know how. I don't want to.

I am sharing this because it has been a very difficult journey that has only begun. I share this because maybe someone can relate. 

Maybe you have a song in your soul but no one has ever asked. Maybe you sang in your home but felt rejected when your family ignored you or didn't want to listen. Maybe you feel locked inside yourself, wanting to burst out with emotions buried deep down but have lost the courage to just let go. 

I have realized that this is my life. I have always enjoyed writing. Growing up I often wrote through the depression, loneliness, heartache, and rejection I experienced. But no one really noticed, no one seemed to care about what I wrote. It was emotional, sad, and caused most people to fear for my life and simply say things like "I'm sorry you feel this way, I am praying for you." 
Is it possible that though the songs and poems were filled with sorrow, there was also a songwriter trying to break out of her shell? Is it possible that because no encouraged her and only felt sorry for her that she has grown to believe she would never be good enough to make music or be set free from the shell she is in? 
Of course I'm not trying to blame anyone else for the person that I am today, but I have learned that the past does shape you into the person you become. I also believe that God has a purpose for all of this and the very place I am weakest in, is the place He wants to use to show others His glory. 
So, I must learn to let go of my upbringing and not allow that to shape my future anymore. 

I will admit that I get frustrated and sad when I see other people freely worship God on stage with ease and sing any song that is put in front of them. They all make it look so easy and in some cases seem almost prideful about it, but maybe that's my own insecurity rising up. Forgive me. 

Deep in my soul I desperately want to be set free from my insecurities. I want to be set free from the fear of what others think of me. I want to be set free from my own pride of wanting to be good at everything.

And yet. 

Here I sit, still feeling trapped. Trapped with so much music inside that I truly believe God wants to use for some unknown reason. 

I plead with Him to call someone else. "There are so many people that are already good at this, just use them. They will do it in a heartbeat. They don't have to try, they don't fear, they're already ready to sing and write songs to You and for You. Just use them instead." 
But He keeps persisting and I don't really understand why. Sometimes I even wonder if I have heard Him right, maybe I'm just making all this stuff up. But I wouldn't want to do this all on my own, in fact, I don't want to do this at all. Which is probably the very reason I am called to it. 
I often feel like Gideon, throwing out fleeces to be sure I heard God correctly. 
It's a wonderful thing that God is so gentle and forgiving. 

This is all a process, I know. My husband tells me that God isn't going to force me to do something before I'm ready, that God will prepare me and when I'm ready He will make that clear to me. I think that's true and yet I still find myself wondering if I'm just being a drama queen and just need to get over it. That may also be true and some people will tell me such things, or at least think such things about me. But again, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. This is a journey I am on with God and God alone. 

At times I do wish that I was encouraged more as a child, I wish my parents saw some kind of potential within me and gave me the resources to learn more so I could grow in this area. But again, it doesn't matter now and it's not their fault.

This is the life God has given me and the only thing I can do is keep walking step by step, one day at a time. He gives me my daily bread for today, not for tomorrow or next week but for today

This is a new year and I know God is up to many things.
So with excitement but mostly feeling afraid of whatever painful process He needs to bring me through, I will follow Him. 

I will follow Him unto the death of everything inside of me that is holding me back no matter how painful it will be. 
Even unto death. 




"Lover of my soul, even unto death with my every breath I will love You. Yeah, Lover of my soul, even unto death with my every breath I will love You. In my darkest hour, in humiliation, I will wait for You. I am not forsaken. Oh, I lose my life. Oh, my breath be taken. I will wait for You, I am not forsaken. One thing I desire, to see You in Your beauty.."




Brit Kuhl

1 comment:

  1. And then I realize, perhaps I'm better off just staying silent.

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