This is going to be a short post but I feel as though I would like to explain the recent change in my life.
As I recognize that this is completely out of the blue and for most people it seems completely outrageous and wild, God is showing me that first of all, He knows far better then I in regards to my life and what I need. Also that He moves in completely unexpected ways that often don't make sense in our human minds. Especially in the way the mindset of American culture is and how things are done.
Of course there has been much prayer involved and seeking God and His heart concerning decisions that have been made and it has become clear that this is His heart for me.
As you all may or may not know, my whole life has been a struggle to find purpose and worth. I searched for it in unhealthy relationships that only left me feeling more worthless.
The ironic thing in all of this is that God had brought me to a place of
complete fulfillment in Him and I was content with being single and
just being His bride. As it has turned out, God was preparing me for
something more.
I am humbled and overwhelmed at the deep love that God has for me and the truth that is written in His word:
Romans 8:32
- He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all - how
will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?
This
verse was actually a promise God gave to me months ago when I
questioned whether or not I was called to singleness. God spoke to me
with that verse, declaring that He would one day bless me with the gift
of husband.
As if God hasn't already poured out blessings upon His daughter, He has still chosen to give me more.
There
is much more I would like to say about this and I will soon enough but I
wanted you all to be updated because I know I have expressed what God
has taught me about being fulfilled in Him alone and I am still
fulfilled in Him alone. He has just chosen to use a wonderful, amazing,
loving man of God to help me through the process of making me more holy
in His sight. This is what excites me most, becoming more Christlike.
I
ask for your blessings my friends and family and please pray for us as
we embark on this very unexpected journey. And please praise God for
this.
"You have always known me You know me, God, You have known me. You have always known my heart"
This past week was pretty amazing. Not only did I get to go South for a week but I also had the opportunity to get to know three super great ladies really well and experience the mighty work God is doing through Mercy Ministries in Monroe, LA.
Not to mention that we left on October 22. My one year anniversary of singleness. I told you that I would share a bit of what happened this week, so I'm going to! I am going to write down exactly how I did in my journal so you can get a bit of insight on my week.
__________________________________________
10/22/14
Hallelujah, the Victory.
"Walls Fall Down" Bible App Plan. 'The Perfect Number' ....God told the Israelites to walk around the walls of Jericho for seven days led by seven priests. On the seventh day, they were to march around the walls seven times. God promised that at the end of their seventh circuit around Jericho on the seventh day, the walls would collapse. The Israelites believed in the Lord's greatness and His plan for victory...Seven was the number God gave to Israel, but He may have a different number or timeframe for you...rest assured that the Lord knows your number. In His sovereignty, He knows the precise time your victory is coming.
[Psalm 139:16] -
Your eyes saw my unformed body;all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
....your job is to have faith. Don't compare your journey to anyone else's, but know the Lord is preparing you for victory by shaping you in difficult times... [Hebrews 12:1-3] - Therefore,
since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us
throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.
And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
...Christ is our supreme example that there is hope even during our trials and great reward awaiting us. During your walk around the walls of your personal Jericho, you may experience pain and uncertainty. But if you are faithful and follow God's plan, you will see the walls fall down in God's perfect timing. And just as the Israelites shouted and sounded the trumpets at the end of their journey, you too will celebrate your victory. That very moment is worth all the pain and strife that preceded it. God's power and His love for you are greater than any obstacle you may be facing today. Trust in the unfailing character of the Lord. Follow His plan, and see the walls fall down. Christ is enough for me! I never knew what real love was until I finally let You in. You have cleansed my heart You have washed my soul. Your unending love overwhelms me. All the years I ran from You, the other lovers I allowed in. O, Lord You've forgiven me. You have make me clean. You have made me new. Your love for me was all I ever needed. The things this world offers are all so empty. You Alone satisfy. You have make me new. You brought me out of darkness Into Your marvelous Light. My God, my God You are Almighty. My Abba, my Prince. You Alone satisfy. I never knew, I never knew. Now I have seen that You are good. You are faithful, over and over. You have proven You are trustworthy. Never looking back, never going back. In Your Arms, the only place I belong. Your Love is enough, all I need. My Prince, my Jesus, my King. _________________________________________
I am so joyfully in love with the Prince of my heart. He has swept me off my feet and shown me real love.
So
as the 22 came to a close, I realized that even though the commitment
of one year has ended, the commitment of following Jesus and being set
apart for Him remains. I won't be ready for my future husband until
Jesus tells me I'm ready.
"Christ is my reward, and all of my devotion now there's nothing in this world that could ever satisfy...Christ is enough for me..Everything I need is in You."
It's not Jesus plus a husband. It's not Jesus plus kids. It's not Jesus plus friends.
Jesus Christ Himself is enough. Just Him.
Listening
to a message by Leslie Ludy - It's amazing how on target her life and
what she is saying about womanhood and following Christ parallels my own
life. As I'm sure it does many other women.
But as October 22 approaches I am excited about what the next step of my life will be.
I haven't always done things during this time as I planned to, but I know that God is using this time to teach me many things.
I've
stumbled, I've fallen flat on my face, I've cried, I've yelled at God,
I've doubted His plans, I've wanted to give up, I've wanted to run away
completely and hide. But ya know what, God has been with me the entire
time. He never left me and His grace abounds even more in my life. He
has walked me through times when I cried my eyes out and sat empty in my
room alone wondering if this commitment was completely worthless.
It
hasn't been at all easy and as God gently pulled out many deep roots of
brokenness in my heart I flinched but knew that it was exactly what I
needed.
There's a long road ahead, this I know, but I know that
God is with me and has been not only for this year but also for my whole
life.
I will be away on the 22 but I will surely write in my journal and bring it back to you here online.
Much more to come in this great adventure as a Christ follower.
Psalm 73:25 -
Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
Jesus is my desire and my treasure. The greatest treasure in existence.
"You know much better than I and if destruction is what I need then I'll receive it Lord from Thee.. ..I'm only Yours now.... It's Your eye in the storm watching over me, It's Your eye in the storm wanting only good for me."
September 22 has come and gone. I had intention of posting on that
day but alas, it did not happen. You should all know by now that the 22
is a significant day for me and September 22 was 11 months of my promise
to God that I would be single for a whole year. I can't believe that
it's been 11 months! It has flown by so fast! And yet when you're in the
middle of it all it feels like the process will never be over!
I
have learned so many wonderful and very hard lessons this year. Most of
which had to do with relationships and love. God has been gracious to
me to show me the right way to do things but it hasn't been easy to
recognize the right way all the time.
When Jesus came to earth He
challenged us to think differently, not to just do things differently on
the outside but to renew our minds on the inside! Do you know how hard
that is?! Every day, if I begin to have an attitude that I shouldn't, or
think something that I shouldn't I have to bring it to the Cross and ask
God to help keep that thought captive!
2 Corinthians 10:5 -
We demolish arguments and every
pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take
captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
Through
this process I have heard advice and received counsel from many trusted
people in my life and yet I will still make my own decisions about
things and I have to be listening to God first and foremost.
There
have been some tough decisions that needed to be made recently but I
know who God is, I know He is faithful, I know He loves me, forgives me,
and has my best interest in mind. Therefore, I know I can release it
all to Him and trust that He's got it under control.
It's not
always easy to just let it all go but when you know without a doubt in
your mind that God is faithful and loves you it's a bit easier to trust
Him with everything....He will never let you down! Of course it's hard
to wait, the process is rarely easy, but God is doing something great,
even if we don't know what that looks like. He leads us with a lamp unto our feet, not stadium lights or a spot light.
Psalm 119:105 -
Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.
Many
times all that can be seen is a enough light to take the next step. We
may not know the end result, God often keeps that to Himself because we
need to learn to trust Him more fully through the process. We need to
learn to trust Him to show us the next step even if we don't know what the outcome will be.
It's
certainly not easy but I'm experiencing His grace and love in the
process. He has been using a huge community of wonderful sisters and
brothers in Christ to help me keep marching on.
A year ago I didn't know any of these people but I can't say enough about them.
I've
had some friends in the past and one that I was very close with but it
wasn't like this. Of course I'm in a different place than I used to be
(only by the grace of God). Every time I see these folks it's like a
reunion of your closest family members. Having faith in Jesus Christ is
what connects us and what a wonderful blessing that is.
It's hard to
explain the love I feel towards them and the love I receive back. All I
know is that I finally, truly believe that if I'm not able to make it to
a get together, I'm genuinely missed. I suppose it all goes back to
being a part of the body of Christ. I'm not sure what part I am but I
know that as a part of this body, when I'm not there, the body misses
me. I say this with confidence and maybe it sounds prideful, like I'm
something special to my family of friends....but frankly, I know that I
am! Not because of what I, myself, bring to the table, but because of
what God does through me. It is not I, but Christ in me.
Romans 12:4-5 - For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function,so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.
Galatians 2:20 -
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives
in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of
God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
I just never knew what a loving community was like. With Christ as the
center of all of us we can help each other grow and love each other in
the process.
Seeing what God has done in my life so far this year,
brings so much peace to my soul. And though it's not always easy, I know
I have a Mighty King who is fighting for me and a community of sisters
and brothers who are there for me and love me through it all.
Praise Jesus Christ, our God and King forever!
"Once my light was fading, but You gave me Yours...I can breathe for the first time, I can see for the first time....And I've never run so far I've never felt so strong, when I am where You are, I found where I belong. For the first time."
If you are following along with me during this thing called life, you
may remember that the 22nd of each month is significant for me.
The
22nd of October represents the day that I committed myself to one year of singleness with the Lord. On August 22, I celebrated 10 months of
singleness.
I had planned on writing a post on that day but
never got a chance to which, as it turns out, I needed to have a
conversation about what was going on in my heart instead.
However,
I would like to write out a little bit about what I was reflecting upon
that day and the process I went through in a 24 hour period. Perhaps I
want to write about it just in order to remember that day and to have
this post to look back on in a few years.
First of all, it has
come to my attention that most people in my life have been single most,
if not all of their lives. Which is great because they've been protected
from so many painful things that I know comes with being in unhealthy
relationships. So to most people the whole year of singleness
thing....well they don't truly understand how huge it is for me. For
many others, being single is something that has not only been easy for
them but they don't want to be single. Because of that there have
been few people that I can talk to that truly understand the
significance of this. Don't get me wrong, they celebrate with me, and
encourage me, but many still don't really understand the depth of the
commitment and why it's such a big deal.
I admit, if any of you
know me, I have been getting to know someone on a friendship level but I
know there were questions about whether or not there was something more
going on. So I'd like to briefly address that situation and just say
that nothing more than getting to know someone as a friend with the
potential for more has been going on. To a lot of people that means that
you still spend time alone with one another and may or may not be
involved physically. But that isn't at all the case in my life.
This person and I have discussed things, invited others in for counsel,
and kept strict boundaries on every area of life.
I bring this up
partially to protect the vow of singleness between God and I, and also
so no more questions or assumptions are made concerning my life. Not
only that, I also want to encourage anyone that has been questioning me,
etc. to talk to me directly. I tend to be a very open and honest person
and am not trying to hide anything from anyone. Believe me, I've tried
that kind of life and it's way too much work. If anyone wants to know
anything, ask.
Moving on, so on August 22, I started the day
with joy and excitement about what God is doing currently and what else
He is going to do in the future.
Then, as I started to reflect on
the person I used to be and what He has done in my life, I got very
emotional and cried. I can't stress enough how different it is for me to
be single, and contently single at that. If you've been reading any of
these posts or if you know me at all, you'll know that my life was
always one relationship after another. When I was broken up with, I just
found someone else, whether it was via the internet or some other way. I
see this pattern SO often in our world now which breaks my heart, but I
won't get into that right now.
Anyway, as I started to remember
what I used to be and what God has done in me in 10 months....I
couldn't help but cry and thank Him. There are so many things in my
heart that can't even be put into words. Realizations of His protection
and His faithfulness. The knowledge that He was with me during every
broken time in my life and when I was deliberately sinning against Him.
When I pushed Him in the corner and went my own way....and all the while
He was waiting for me to reach out to Him and call Him back into my
life. That's the thing about God, He doesn't force His way into our
lives, He gives us a choice. We can either push Him away and live our
own way which ends in loneliness, misery, shame, and destruction. Or we
can surrender to Him and allow His love to fill our souls with joy,
peace, fulfillment and life. He waits for us to invite Him in. I was
always afraid to, afraid He couldn't love me after all that I had done. I
was afraid that He wouldn't be enough, that if I wasn't in an earthly
relationship, I would feel lonely and unloved. What an incredibly huge lie I believed.
These last 10 months haven't been easy but they have been the most alive that I have ever felt.
The
healing God has brought me is almost indescribable. He has teaching me
what real love is. He is showing me that real love is sacrifice and when
both people are willing to sacrifice, to lay down one's life and be
willing to choose to stay even when times are hard, that's when true
love shines through.
You see, love isn't a fuzzy feeling, it's not
when your heart jumps when you think of someone. Love, true love, proves
itself when you are broken and shattered, when times are hard, you have
nothing to give, and you feel like running away but you don't, and they
don't. And you walk through the storm together, leaning on the Lord together.
I
never really understood what love meant, I thought that when someone
told me that they loved me then that was love. But in reality those
words meant, "I'll keep you around if you're exactly how I want you to
be and if you give me what I want. Otherwise I'm moving on to someone
else." And I had the same attitude. I grew so used to that type of view
on love that I assumed that that's what human love was. I want to
believe that I thought about God differently but I know this thinking
had an effect on my view of God as well.
Now, though, since all
the awesome things that God has done, I can celebrate with such joy
knowing I never have to go back to that. The old me is dead. Christ has made me new.
I only have 2 months left in this vow and I know God can and will do mighty things and I am so excited!
In
the future, I am sure that I will go into a lot more detail about this
whole process and I hope and pray that God will use it to touch the
lives of others and help someone through a difficult season of life.
I praise my Father in Heaven for all the wonderful things He has done!
"I am learning to run freely understanding just how He sees me and it makes me love Him more and more."
So many exciting things have been going on. All because of God, there's no doubt about that!
He has brought an opportunity for me to talk a lot. On the radio. For anyone to hear.
WHAT?
I seriously don't know how this happened. Of course the only
explanation is God alone. I was approached in April by Heidi Hanes, I
believe one of the founders of this local radio station, and she did a
short interview with me. I shared a little bit about my testimony and
she put that on the air! For some reason, she thought that I would be an
asset to the station and well, long story short, I now have a radio
show called "Growing Together." Last night I was live on the air for the
first time. It was so exciting even though I really don't know what we
talked about!
It is, of course just a small radio station with
not a ton of power but God can absolutely use it for His glory and to
bring people closer to Him. That is my prayer for the show He brought my
way, that whatever we talk about and whatever He puts on my heart to
share, that it will bring Him glory and touch the lives of those
listening. I also get to choose different music to play so that's pretty exciting too. Last night we played some Phil Wickham, of course!
Anyway, I just wanted to write a short post about
that just in case anyone wants to tune in. Locally you can hear it by
turning your radio dial to 106.1 FM WGLU-LP. You are also able to stream it
online. Click here to check out the website and listen!
The
show I will be hosting, again, called "Growing Together" will be
Tuesday and Thursday from 8:30-9:30 PM and Saturday 1:00-2:00 PM.
I hope you tune in and also get connected to the station on facebook!
Sometimes we encounter really difficult situations in life and we have to make choices about how to respond to them.
First
I'd like to mention that today is my 9 months 'monthiversary' of being
single. It's been an interesting ride these past few weeks. Some doubts
about God's plan for me has crept in and yet He is always trustworthy
and I know He has His best plan in mind.
Before I finally bowed
my knee to Christ and truly surrendered everything to Him, I was stuck
in the same pattern of bad relationship after bad relationship. The
series of unhealthy, heart breaking relationships lasted for at least 10
years. Maybe a decade doesn't seem long to you but to me it felt like a
lifetime. Within that decade of time everything I was got torn apart.
My heart became so numb to any sort of feeling that I grew to believe
that the pattern of broken relationships was all my life would ever be,
and I convinced myself I was okay with that. I convinced myself that it
was normal and there could be no other way.
If you've been
reading any of my post from this past year you will know that God has
changed all that in me. He has shown me a better way and proved that a
person can, indeed, change. The change He made in me is so drastically
different from the person I used to be it's hard to even imagine myself
ever living in the way that I did. Which is what I have come to
recognize is the proof that only Christ can change a person so
drastically (try all you want on your own strength, it won't work, we're
created to be completely dependent on God). What a relief that is
because I'm pretty weak and in no way shape or form would I have or anyone
else for that matter been able to change my heart's desires and lifestyle the way
God has.
Okay, getting to the real purpose of this post:
Doubt and trust.
Did you know that it's OK and even normal to have moments of doubts in your Christian walk?
We
as humans struggle with wondering what God's plan is for us - where are
we supposed to work? Who are we supposed to marry? Where should I live?
- The list goes on.
In recent history I've been doubting a few
things. Not doubts of whether or not God loves me or even has a plan,
but specifically doubts about which path to take and if it's been God's
voice that I've been hearing or if somehow I've been doing things on my
own, or worse yet, am I listening to the voice of the enemy? Is that
possible? Do I not know the sound of my Master's voice? Am I a, um, not
so smart sheep who doesn't know the sound of my Shepherd's voice?
I've
been thinking and talking with some people close to me and I wonder if
perhaps my old way of thinking is creeping in. I say that because the
main thoughts in my head are ones of earthly matters, not eternal. I'm
being selfish and prideful and expecting God to bend to my wishes
because I'm convinced that I know better than Him.
It's kind of sad
really because deep down I know that I don't know better than Him. He
has what's best in mind for me because He loves me so much and wants to
give me good things.
I know these things, and yet I still struggle with wondering what He is doing and if I will ever know! Or how long will it take to know? Why must I wait? What are you doing in me that needs so much time to figure out?
Then I'm brought back to reality.....(my dear Mother pointed this out)..."there are 10 years worth of brokenness in your heart and it's been 9 months since you made your promise." OHHH
right, that makes sense to me...there's a lot of junk that needs to be
dealt with. Ten years worth. Can God restore me overnight or in a few
months? Yes, He can. But He's not and that's OK.
Truthfully, if He
brought to the surface all the deep hurts in my heart from all those
years my frail human frame would probably burst at the seams and I'd be
constantly dehydrated from all the tears cried.
Throughout these
months God has been gently bringing hurts to my mind and healing me
slowly. Sure, the process is kind of frustrating and at times I think I
could handle more but then I breakdown and don't want any more! Oh, how frail we are. However, I'd rather
be frail and fall into my Savior's arms knowing I am safe and that He
has my entire life in His hands. I've lived the life of pretending to
have it all together and not inviting Christ to help me, it's a
miserable, desperate, sad, and tiresome one.
Doubt still creeps
in though, and I find myself crying out to God and asking Him what He's
doing and where I'm being lead to. Wondering if I've missed a step in
the process or gone backwards and have to start all over again.
Is
one year enough time for God to heal every layer from every year that I
walked away from Him? I want to believe the answer to be 'yes' but I
can't be sure.
He has done an incredible amount in me in the last 9
months but with only 3 left can He really restore me fully? There is still a fear of
commitment in my heart. Then the thoughts that my life will always be an endless pattern
of failed relationships creeps its head in. After all it was like that for 10 years. I
know, I know, those negative thoughts are lies. They are lies that the
enemy is attempting to use in order to toss me into a pit of
worthlessness and yet another broken heart.
My doubts may not go
away today or tomorrow but I am comforted to know that even in those
doubts God is faithful and I know I can trust Him.
2 Corinthians 4:16 says - Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
The commentary in my NIV study Bible says:
It
is easy to lose heart and quit. (Truth!) We all have faced problems in
our relationships or in our work that have caused us to want to think
about laying down the tools and walking away. Rather than giving up when
persecution wore him down, Paul concentrated on experiencing the inner
strength from the Holy Spirit. Don't let fatigue, pain, or criticism
force you off the job. Renew your commitment to serving Christ. Don't
forsake your eternal reward because of the intensity of today's pain.
Your very weakness allows the resurrection power of Christ to strengthen
you moment by moment.
2 Corinthians 4:17-18 - For our
light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that
far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on
what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is
eternal.
Well, that's a relief, this current struggle won't last forever AND it has eternal value. Praise God!
So,
I know that even in moments or seasons of doubt (1) God is still good,
(2) God is still faithful, (3) He hasn't forgotten me, and (4) He still
has a plan. The BEST plan in mind for me.
"We must realize and
embrace the truth that God genuinely wants what is best for us, and
doubt attempts to lead us away from God's best."
This I know: I can trust my King. Always and forever. Just let God, be God. He's got this.
"Be still my soul and rest
Humbly I confess
In my weakness
Your strength is perfect
For You alone are God
There will be no other
And You have won my heart
More than any other
So I will give it all
'Cause You gave it all for me"
