Yesterday was my anniversary of one year married to my amazing earthly husband.
This won't be a long post, I mostly just wanted to document a few things for future references.
It's been a wonderful year. A hard year, a year full of learning and growing. It's been the best year of my life.
I could talk again about how I never truly believed I would ever be married much less celebrating one year of marriage! God has been faithful and I can't express enough how incredible it is to do things the way God designs it. I think of all the women searching for a committed relationship and ending up in unhealthy relationships that don't last. It makes me sad but also full of passion to try to show them that doing things God's way is not burdensome, it is the best way, the only way of experiencing a life of abundance and true love. This does not come from Alex and I "trying harder" or "thinking positively," it comes from God Himself transforming our hearts and pouring His love into us so that we have the capacity to pour out love onto each other as well as those around us.
So much has happened and we are not who we were one year ago.
Alex is not the man I married one year ago. By God's amazing grace, he has been transformed more into the likeness of Christ Himself and it's a beautiful thing.
I praise God for His design. I praise Him for filling me with love for my husband that continues to grow deeper everyday.
I didn't think I could love Alex any more than I did on our wedding day, I thought I knew him very well on our wedding day. The funny thing is, we didn't really know each other all that well and though we chose each other and we loved each other, our love, knowledge and understanding of one another has grown so deeply. We have become best friends as well as lovers. I never knew it could be this wonderful. All due to the amazing grace and power of our Almighty God.
As time continues to go on, I know our love and knowledge of each other will continue to grow and I'm excited to see all that God has in store for us.
It has been almost a year since I got married. It's hard to believe yet I know we are still newlyweds.
There have been many ups and downs and many challenges I was surprised to deal with.
A big one has been the reality of the baggage from my past.
Though God has done an amazing work in forgiving and healing me, there is still a lot more to do.
The main purpose for this post is that I really want to share the reality of sexual sin. I know I've written about it before and for many people it's a very taboo subject but I think it's too important not to expose the devastating affects of this sin in the fiber of a person. I know many of you may be reading this and thinking, "Pfft, what does she know? I'm fine, I can handle a lifestyle like this. It's not affecting me at all." And to that I say, you are deceived and you don't even realize it.
1 Corinthians 6:12-20 says, "Everything is permissible for me"- but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me" - but I will not be mastered by anything. "Food for the stomach and the stomach for food" - but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By His power God raised the Lord from the dead, and He will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ Himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with Him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
Honoring God with our body is something that doesn't seem to be very common in our culture, inside the church as well as outside of it. If you don't belong to God, you probably dismiss this passage completely like you would the rest of Scripture. And though this is written to believers, (in Corinth it was especially important because the temple of the love goddess Aphrodite was there. This temple employed more than a thousand prostitutes as priestesses, and sex was a part of the worship ritual. Paul clearly states that Christian are to have no part in sexual immorality, even if it is acceptable and popular in our culture.) This doesn't sound too far from what our current culture is like.
So although it was written to believers there is still a deep wound that sexual immorality leaves even in non Christians because sex was never meant to be just a careless act. It was meant to be within the protection of a true commitment, that true commitment being marriage.
This is something that I rolled my eyes at. I thought it was an outdated "rule" and I figured I could handle doing whatever I wanted and not be affected at all. I was deceived.
The notes in my NIV Bible spoke a lot of clarity and truth on the subject of sex outside of marriage:
Christians are free to be all they can be for God, but they are not free from God. God created sex to be a beautiful and essential ingredient of marriage, but sexual sin - sex outside of the marriage relationship - always hurts someone. It hurts God because it shows that we prefer following our own desires instead of the leading of the Holy Spirit. It hurts others because it violates the commitment so necessary to a relationship. It often brings disease to our bodies. And it deeply affects our personalities, which respond in anguish when we harm ourselves physically and spiritually.
The part that hit be deepest in this paragraph is "it deeply affects our personalities, which respond in anguish when we harm ourselves physically and spiritually." The choices I made to indulge in sex outside of marriage continues to have impact on my personality. There are times I struggle with self hatred, rejection, loneliness, fear, unworthiness, and the list goes on. God has done tremendous work in these areas but there is a lot more work to be done.
Being married to the man God brought me is wonderful and amazing and God has used my husband to bring healing to so much of my brokenness. But he can't fix everything because he can't see everything the way God sees it. God knows the deep, deep scars that still remain due to my past choices. He knows what triggers memories and thoughts of self hatred more than I know what triggers those thoughts. At times I can't seem to find a way to stop those thoughts and can quickly get swept away into a pit of self pity and despair which can last from one day to a month.
This is the baggage I didn't realize I still carried. This is the personality change that has occurred in me due to my choices in the past. Or perhaps better said, these are the challenges that come up due to my past.
However, my personality has changed. When I was younger I was carefree and can remember feeling very passionate about not wanting to give up my virginity before I got married. (My whole testimony is a different and more detailed post read it here). But after I made the choice not to wait a lot about who I was changed. I didn't understand how to receive appropriate affection from men because most of the affection I did receive was usually sexual. So I started pulling away from my family, especially my Dad. I no longer felt comfortable around him, not because of him, but because of how I allowed myself to be treated by boys. I started comparing myself more and more with other girls and celebrities in movies, etc. I wanted guys to want me so if I didn't look like what I saw on T.V. I desperately did whatever I could to try to be as attractive as possible. This never seemed to work so the self hating thoughts would come and rejection would set it and push me into a downward spiral of depression. Yes indeed, my personality changed.
Now, years later, after the work that God has done, I still battle. The war isn't over in my mind and satan knows where to attack.
The lie I think people believe is that once you find someone who loves you and is committed to you, you won't have feelings of rejection anymore. That is not true. I love my husband very much, I'm beyond blessed to have him in my life and as I said earlier, God has used him in very very powerful ways to help me in this healing journey. But there are things he simply cannot fix, he is not my savior. Jesus Christ is my Savior and only through His affirmation, love, and healing can I have victory in this war. My husband is a weapon in it, but he alone can't proclaim victory for me.
If you are still reading and you don't care about God and think I'm crazy and that none of it applies to you, I still challenge that.
Even if you aren't a believer but you've indulged in sexual immorality, it has changed you. As my sister would say "how does your heart feel?" You've been with guy after guy, or maybe just one or two men, either way, how would say your heart has felt after they left you, after they rejected you and kicked you to the curb? You were hurt, broken, and found yourself feeling so bitter that you just wanted to "screw over every guy to get back and them" so you decided to spend your life going to bars, hooking up, and convincing yourself you won't get emotionally attached and had the attitude of "who cares, I only have one life to live ("YOLO" which is foolishness), so let's party and forget about the consequences." Maybe you're living that way right now. Whatever place you're in, this is a warning.
You will be changed. You will be broken. You will find it hard to commit, love and accept love. Stop the behavior now. Do whatever it takes. Find new friends, move out of his/her house...if a person doesn't love you enough to prove their commitment by marriage, they don't love you. This may sound harsh and you're thinking "you don't know my boyfriend/girlfriend, they do love me and they are committed!" Are YOU committed? Do you value yourself enough to not allow someone to use you?
Listen, you are probably thinking that I sound like a completely crazy, old fashioned, religious nut. But my heart in writing this, GOD'S heart for YOU, is that you experience all that sexual intimacy can be but the only way to do that is within marriage. I am telling you that the longer you keep living that lifestyle, the more baggage you will be carrying into a marriage if you ever get that far. You will be affected, deeply affected. Do you want to be different? Stand up against sex before marriage, don't go with the crowd. So many teenagers these days (I also used to think this way) want to be different than everyone else, they want to seem cooler, or more hip, or more edgy. You know the BEST way to do that, is to turn away from what everyone else does. Choose to wait. It's not too late even if you've already gone too far, you can choose from this moment on, to live a life of abstinence. This means not only refraining from intercourse with someone, it also means any other sexual acts as well as pornography or fantasizing. I am choosing to be blunt in saying these things because all too often people talk about purity meaning just keeping away from pre-marital sex but it is so much deeper than that.
I love you, GOD loves you too much to not warn you of the impending danger of sexual immorality.
God tells me I need to sing. I don't know why. I don't know how. I don't want to.
I am sharing this because it has been a very difficult journey that has only begun. I share this because maybe someone can relate.
Maybe you have a song in your soul but no one has ever asked. Maybe you sang in your home but felt rejected when your family ignored you or didn't want to listen. Maybe you feel locked inside yourself, wanting to burst out with emotions buried deep down but have lost the courage to just let go.
I have realized that this is my life. I have always enjoyed writing. Growing up I often wrote through the depression, loneliness, heartache, and rejection I experienced. But no one really noticed, no one seemed to care about what I wrote. It was emotional, sad, and caused most people to fear for my life and simply say things like "I'm sorry you feel this way, I am praying for you."
Is it possible that though the songs and poems were filled with sorrow, there was also a songwriter trying to break out of her shell? Is it possible that because no encouraged her and only felt sorry for her that she has grown to believe she would never be good enough to make music or be set free from the shell she is in?
Of course I'm not trying to blame anyone else for the person that I am today, but I have learned that the past does shape you into the person you become. I also believe that God has a purpose for all of this and the very place I am weakest in, is the place He wants to use to show others His glory.
So, I must learn to let go of my upbringing and not allow that to shape my future anymore.
I will admit that I get frustrated and sad when I see other people freely worship God on stage with ease and sing any song that is put in front of them. They all make it look so easy and in some cases seem almost prideful about it, but maybe that's my own insecurity rising up. Forgive me.
Deep in my soul I desperately want to be set free from my insecurities. I want to be set free from the fear of what others think of me. I want to be set free from my own pride of wanting to be good at everything.
And yet.
Here I sit, still feeling trapped. Trapped with so much music inside that I truly believe God wants to use for some unknown reason.
I plead with Him to call someone else. "There are so many people that are already good at this, just use them. They will do it in a heartbeat. They don't have to try, they don't fear, they're already ready to sing and write songs to You and for You. Just use them instead."
But He keeps persisting and I don't really understand why. Sometimes I even wonder if I have heard Him right, maybe I'm just making all this stuff up. But I wouldn't want to do this all on my own, in fact, I don't want to do this at all. Which is probably the very reason I am called to it.
I often feel like Gideon, throwing out fleeces to be sure I heard God correctly.
It's a wonderful thing that God is so gentle and forgiving.
This is all a process, I know. My husband tells me that God isn't going to force me to do something before I'm ready, that God will prepare me and when I'm ready He will make that clear to me. I think that's true and yet I still find myself wondering if I'm just being a drama queen and just need to get over it. That may also be true and some people will tell me such things, or at least think such things about me. But again, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. This is a journey I am on with God and God alone.
At times I do wish that I was encouraged more as a child, I wish my parents saw some kind of potential within me and gave me the resources to learn more so I could grow in this area. But again, it doesn't matter now and it's not their fault.
This is the life God has given me and the only thing I can do is keep walking step by step, one day at a time. He gives me my daily bread for today, not for tomorrow or next week but for today.
This is a new year and I know God is up to many things.
So with excitement but mostly feeling afraid of whatever painful process He needs to bring me through, I will follow Him.
I will follow Him unto the death of everything inside of me that is holding me back no matter how painful it will be.
Even unto death.
"Lover of my soul, even unto death with my every breath I will love You. Yeah, Lover of my soul, even unto death with my every breath I will love You. In my darkest hour, in humiliation, I will wait for You. I am not forsaken. Oh, I lose my life. Oh, my breath be taken. I will wait for You, I am not forsaken. One thing I desire, to see You in Your beauty.."
Some time has passed since my last post and another new season of life has come. It's one that is harder to welcome than I expected it to be.
Over the past 3 and a half years I have been serving a dear woman as one of her caregivers. I saw her a couple times every week and spent time doing various tasks regarding her personal care and the care of her home.
It was never just a "job" to me. I had the incredible opportunity to get to know someone who has been through more than I will ever be able to imagine. She taught me so much about love and compassion, and so much more. The loss of this dear woman has truly felt like the loss of part of my heart.
It's been hard to comprehend and explain, but I really didn't expect to be so grieved by her passing. I knew it would be hard but I never imagined I would be paralyzed with grief in the way I have been over the last few days. At first I believed I would be strong; that because we knew this was coming it would be easier to accept, but that was far from the truth.
Growing up I can remember wondering why my Mom was in this line of work. It always seemed odd to me that she wanted to be at a job in which the reason for the loss of that job was caused by the loss of a person.
My perspective changed dramatically as I got to know and care for my dear lady.
The pain I feel due to her loss is very deep but I wouldn't trade my time with her for anything.
Some people may think it strange that her death has affected me so much since she wasn't blood family but like I said earlier, it's hard to explain why it's been so hard on me. And besides, I was just as close to her as I am to blood family and probably even closer than that.
However, there is much to be thankful for!
She saw me go through many hardships over the years that I knew her and she always expressed how she was praying for me. When I informed her that God had sent me the man I was going to marry she expressed such excitement and proclaimed again that she had been praying for me. What a joy it was that she was able to be a part of my wedding and to see the fulfillment of her prayers. (I find it funny that she was inwardly so concerned about that part of my life but her prayers were special nonetheless).
We had many laughs together and a favorite story of hers was when a bat got in her house. She couldn't find it and so when I arrived I searched the house, finally discovering it in her bedroom under some medical equipment. I got a towel, picked it up, and put it outside. It was alive but fast asleep. We talked about that story over and over again and she always got a big laugh out of it.
I also remember the times my mom and I would bring her to get ice cream and how much she loved the outing. She would always be dressed up lipstick and all, waiting for us by the door when we would arrive to pick her up.
One evening around Christmas time we went to look at Christmas lights in Utica. Again, she was excited to go on an outing and we even got pizza afterwards which she loved! She never really had any dietary restrictions and would always have to have dessert! Usually one 'Chips Ahoy' crunchy cookie. Those cookies will probably always remind me of her from now on.
I could tell story after story of our time together and as I reflect on all the years with her, I feel sadness but also peace. I know that I was used by God in her life to bring comfort and happiness to a woman whom loved life and loved spending time with people she cared about most.
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Now that she is gone I am forced into a new season of life. With a husband who works full time, carrying the weight of our finances, I don't necessarily need to search for another way to provide income. I got used to having a busy week and looked forward to the places I had to go, but things are different now. There are plenty of various opportunities out there, I know, but for right now I'm processing through this new life.
I know that God is continuing to work things out and I can have hope for whatever this new season will bring.
Alex has been good to me too. Though it was hard for him at first to know what to do, which is pretty normal for anyone put in such a position, God really moved in him to be there for me when I needed him most. I praise God for bringing me such a faithful, compassionate and thoughtful man who has proven to me that the vows he made on our wedding day weren't just words, but that he fully intends to keep them. He's not perfect, but with Christ living inside him, he has been empowered to be obedient to the calling God has for a husband to lay down his life for his bride. It is the greatest blessing to be able to serve and submit to such a man whom sacrificed so much over the weekend to be by my side as I grieved the loss of my dear Elma.
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I am looking forward to whatever it is that God has for us now and even though it's not easy and my heart is still broken and heavy, I know God is with me guiding me through and I can rest completely in His mighty arms knowing that He sees me, understands my pain, and will not leave me. Ever.
It's been a few months since my last post and I have much to say and am excited to hopefully write on here a bit more.
As you read in the last post, God made it clear to me that He brought a wonderful man of God into my life to help me grow more into His likeness. That's exactly what He has been doing.
It's been a whirlwind these last few months. Alex and I spent many nights talking and praying with much intention to get to know each other in very deep ways. There have been so many wonderful lessons God has taught me and many moments when the love that God has for me was deeply expressed through Alex.
Alex proposed to me on March 15, 2015 under the stars beside the Hudson River. It was so very beautiful and a surprise to me even though we knew we would one day be married, I don't think I truly believed it.
During the next few weeks, (we chose May 2 as our wedding day), we learned a lot more about God and ourselves and the importance of having a firm foundation for marriage.
Now, just a mere month and a few days into our marriage, I write this with excitement to share all the things that God has shown me about Him, myself, and the culture we live in. Mostly good but some difficult things also. However, the difficult things are the very things that mold us into who God wants us to be. In this culture, we are obsessed with doing whatever we can to keep ourselves out of pain and trial thinking that if we are in pain there must be something wrong. But the Bible promises that trials will come and through persevering we will become more like Christ.
James 1:2-4 -
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Being born with love for the country, it has been interesting to adjust to the city. I take more walks with Mama than I have in a long time which is actually a good thing. It can be hard though, not having a lot of privacy because of so many people also walking around and always having to keep Mama on a leash. But we are adjusting to the new lifestyle. Alex loves Mama very much and expresses it to her a lot which is completely adorable and I appreciate it a lot.
Having to adjust, however, in many ways hasn't been that hard. Learning his habits and making new habits of my own is all a part of this new life. I suppose that because everyone's personalities are different, some things may be harder for other people than they have been for me but I have to say that I am very thankful for the person God made me to be. The personalities He has given Alex and I mesh very well and it's a wonderful thing.
Of course there are moments when my pride gets in the way and I discover how selfish I really am, but then I learn what God desires to bring out of me and can therefore ask Him to change me. It's a very good thing. Is it always easy to learn how selfish and prideful I truly am? Obviously not, but understanding that and allowing God to refine me is exactly how we grow, and I want to grow!
As God continues to teach me things about Him and myself I hope to write more with the intention of helping you understand more about yourself and what God desires in your life.
The lesson I will share in this post, I believe is a very important one given the culture we live in.
We are told that you can freely give yourself away to whoever you want, whenever you want with no strings attached. With no worry of emotional distress and no commitment. Even the most seemingly committed unmarried couple is not guaranteed to never break up. I also know that just because you get married it doesn't necessarily mean a forever commitment even though it should. I believe there is a very skewed perception of marriage in our culture which is why there are so many failed marriages. But I won't get into that right now.
The heart of what I want to share at this time is that about a week ago I was reflecting on my life and the joy of being married and I remembered the way I felt in the past when I was involved in unhealthy relationships.
Deep down I desperately wanted to connect with someone. I wanted to be emotionally and spiritually intimate with someone but neither the guy nor I knew how to do that nor did we really have intention to do that anyway. I looked at these men as someone who was supposed to complete me, understand me, and fulfill my deepest longings. This was an impossible expectation for many reasons. We weren't in a relationship with God, we were not married and we lacked deep communication and transparency with one another. See, even our best intentions to be committed to one person lack something if we don't choose to be married to them but wish to live in the lifestyle meant for only married people.
Again, the desire for a deep connection in my past was reflective of the longing I had for intimacy with Jesus and then also with the man He brought me to marry. The attempts I made to force commitment and intimacy apart from the way God designed it to be, never worked. It was only until I realized my need to make Jesus my Savior and not any man, that I experienced a true commitment and deep intimacy.
So, as I thought about these things, I realized that I had always wanted to believe someone would choose me out of all the other women in the world and desire such a commitment with me alone. Now that I am experiencing that, God has given me so much freedom. The freedom to be myself, to mess up, to cry, to express emotions, to question things, to reveal my insecurities, to give myself away, to hurt, to have joy, to be silly, to burn the eggs or forget to pick up the mail, and the list goes on. That doesn't mean it's easy when I fail or make mistakes but what I've come to appreciate is, as I said, the freedom to know that this person isn't going anywhere. He is choosing to be by my side no matter how much I fail.
I remember the fear of failing I had when I was in those bad relationships. I was afraid that when I would fail to perform the way he wanted in any given situation he would surely walk away from the relationship. Therefore, I was always on eggshells waiting to see what the last straw would be before he decided he didn't want to deal with me anymore. There was never any transparency or honest communication. I was constantly trying to perform for him so he would hopefully want to keep me around. It never worked and I was always rejected, left behind feeling like a broken and worthless failure time and time again. This only magnified the worthlessness I had felt to begin with.
I think about the people in this world that choose to live as though they are married to someone and the sadness they might feel (perhaps not all of them, at least not for the moment), and I think about myself when I did the very same thing. I thought I knew what I was doing. That I could choose my own path, live however I felt I wanted to and never end up broken. How blinded and lost I was.
Now as I am within God's design, experiencing the fullness of how He intended couples to live, I am nothing but thankful and overjoyed at what He has done in my life. The sense of permanency that comes with being married is incredible. And again, as I reflect on the way I chose to live in the past and the deep longings I had, it is beautiful to understand that this is what a healthy relationship should be. This is what God intended. He didn't create us to go from one person to the next looking for someone to be perfect before we decide to commit. We end up numb to any emotion because we give ourselves to so many people and then never commit anyway for fear that we will realize the person isn't perfect and we will have to run to another with hopes that the next person will be perfect. It's a vicious cycle and our culture is constantly feeding it to us. I fell into the trap and it is only by the love, mercy, and grace of God Almighty that I got out of the pit and can now understand the errors of my ways and the lies I was believing.
I don't have all the answers, and would never tell you that I have it all together but I do know this: my life is a testimony to the grace of God and I know without any doubt that apart from Him I would never be where I am today.
My encouragement to you dear friends, is that you would choose God's design. He wants what's best for you and as the Creator of everything, you can rest assured that He knows what He's doing. Think about this, my sister was asked by someone whom openly expressed her promiscuous lifestyle, what she thought of that decision. With God on her side, my sister asked, "How does your heart feel?" The person thought about it for a while and then responded, "I never thought about that, I guess I don't really feel anything anymore."
God's design is set in place for a reason. I understand what it feels like to be numb, to feel like I could never be redeemed, like my life would be a constant pattern of guy after guy after guy without any true commitment.
You can trust God, He has your best intention in mind. As He has given me the privilege of having an earthly husband, my hope is that you will also choose His way.
He can and will redeem you if you would only turn from your sinful ways and ask Him to restore you and give you a new life. Only then will you be able to truly experience the joy and blessing of His design.
With Love in Christ,
Mrs. Kuhl
"To some love is a word that they can fall into. But when they're falling out, keeping that word is hard to do. Love is a shelter in a raging storm. Love is peace in the middle of a war, and if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door. No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for."
This is going to be a short post but I feel as though I would like to explain the recent change in my life.
As I recognize that this is completely out of the blue and for most people it seems completely outrageous and wild, God is showing me that first of all, He knows far better then I in regards to my life and what I need. Also that He moves in completely unexpected ways that often don't make sense in our human minds. Especially in the way the mindset of American culture is and how things are done.
Of course there has been much prayer involved and seeking God and His heart concerning decisions that have been made and it has become clear that this is His heart for me.
As you all may or may not know, my whole life has been a struggle to find purpose and worth. I searched for it in unhealthy relationships that only left me feeling more worthless.
The ironic thing in all of this is that God had brought me to a place of
complete fulfillment in Him and I was content with being single and
just being His bride. As it has turned out, God was preparing me for
something more.
I am humbled and overwhelmed at the deep love that God has for me and the truth that is written in His word:
Romans 8:32
- He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all - how
will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?
This
verse was actually a promise God gave to me months ago when I
questioned whether or not I was called to singleness. God spoke to me
with that verse, declaring that He would one day bless me with the gift
of husband.
As if God hasn't already poured out blessings upon His daughter, He has still chosen to give me more.
There
is much more I would like to say about this and I will soon enough but I
wanted you all to be updated because I know I have expressed what God
has taught me about being fulfilled in Him alone and I am still
fulfilled in Him alone. He has just chosen to use a wonderful, amazing,
loving man of God to help me through the process of making me more holy
in His sight. This is what excites me most, becoming more Christlike.
I
ask for your blessings my friends and family and please pray for us as
we embark on this very unexpected journey. And please praise God for
this.
"You have always known me You know me, God, You have known me. You have always known my heart"
This past week was pretty amazing. Not only did I get to go South for a week but I also had the opportunity to get to know three super great ladies really well and experience the mighty work God is doing through Mercy Ministries in Monroe, LA.
Not to mention that we left on October 22. My one year anniversary of singleness. I told you that I would share a bit of what happened this week, so I'm going to! I am going to write down exactly how I did in my journal so you can get a bit of insight on my week.
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10/22/14
Hallelujah, the Victory.
"Walls Fall Down" Bible App Plan. 'The Perfect Number' ....God told the Israelites to walk around the walls of Jericho for seven days led by seven priests. On the seventh day, they were to march around the walls seven times. God promised that at the end of their seventh circuit around Jericho on the seventh day, the walls would collapse. The Israelites believed in the Lord's greatness and His plan for victory...Seven was the number God gave to Israel, but He may have a different number or timeframe for you...rest assured that the Lord knows your number. In His sovereignty, He knows the precise time your victory is coming.
[Psalm 139:16] -
Your eyes saw my unformed body;all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
....your job is to have faith. Don't compare your journey to anyone else's, but know the Lord is preparing you for victory by shaping you in difficult times... [Hebrews 12:1-3] - Therefore,
since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us
throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.
And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
...Christ is our supreme example that there is hope even during our trials and great reward awaiting us. During your walk around the walls of your personal Jericho, you may experience pain and uncertainty. But if you are faithful and follow God's plan, you will see the walls fall down in God's perfect timing. And just as the Israelites shouted and sounded the trumpets at the end of their journey, you too will celebrate your victory. That very moment is worth all the pain and strife that preceded it. God's power and His love for you are greater than any obstacle you may be facing today. Trust in the unfailing character of the Lord. Follow His plan, and see the walls fall down. Christ is enough for me! I never knew what real love was until I finally let You in. You have cleansed my heart You have washed my soul. Your unending love overwhelms me. All the years I ran from You, the other lovers I allowed in. O, Lord You've forgiven me. You have make me clean. You have made me new. Your love for me was all I ever needed. The things this world offers are all so empty. You Alone satisfy. You have make me new. You brought me out of darkness Into Your marvelous Light. My God, my God You are Almighty. My Abba, my Prince. You Alone satisfy. I never knew, I never knew. Now I have seen that You are good. You are faithful, over and over. You have proven You are trustworthy. Never looking back, never going back. In Your Arms, the only place I belong. Your Love is enough, all I need. My Prince, my Jesus, my King. _________________________________________
I am so joyfully in love with the Prince of my heart. He has swept me off my feet and shown me real love.
So
as the 22 came to a close, I realized that even though the commitment
of one year has ended, the commitment of following Jesus and being set
apart for Him remains. I won't be ready for my future husband until
Jesus tells me I'm ready.
"Christ is my reward, and all of my devotion now there's nothing in this world that could ever satisfy...Christ is enough for me..Everything I need is in You."
It's not Jesus plus a husband. It's not Jesus plus kids. It's not Jesus plus friends.
Jesus Christ Himself is enough. Just Him.
Listening
to a message by Leslie Ludy - It's amazing how on target her life and
what she is saying about womanhood and following Christ parallels my own
life. As I'm sure it does many other women.
But as October 22 approaches I am excited about what the next step of my life will be.
I haven't always done things during this time as I planned to, but I know that God is using this time to teach me many things.
I've
stumbled, I've fallen flat on my face, I've cried, I've yelled at God,
I've doubted His plans, I've wanted to give up, I've wanted to run away
completely and hide. But ya know what, God has been with me the entire
time. He never left me and His grace abounds even more in my life. He
has walked me through times when I cried my eyes out and sat empty in my
room alone wondering if this commitment was completely worthless.
It
hasn't been at all easy and as God gently pulled out many deep roots of
brokenness in my heart I flinched but knew that it was exactly what I
needed.
There's a long road ahead, this I know, but I know that
God is with me and has been not only for this year but also for my whole
life.
I will be away on the 22 but I will surely write in my journal and bring it back to you here online.
Much more to come in this great adventure as a Christ follower.
Psalm 73:25 -
Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
Jesus is my desire and my treasure. The greatest treasure in existence.
"You know much better than I and if destruction is what I need then I'll receive it Lord from Thee.. ..I'm only Yours now.... It's Your eye in the storm watching over me, It's Your eye in the storm wanting only good for me."
September 22 has come and gone. I had intention of posting on that
day but alas, it did not happen. You should all know by now that the 22
is a significant day for me and September 22 was 11 months of my promise
to God that I would be single for a whole year. I can't believe that
it's been 11 months! It has flown by so fast! And yet when you're in the
middle of it all it feels like the process will never be over!
I
have learned so many wonderful and very hard lessons this year. Most of
which had to do with relationships and love. God has been gracious to
me to show me the right way to do things but it hasn't been easy to
recognize the right way all the time.
When Jesus came to earth He
challenged us to think differently, not to just do things differently on
the outside but to renew our minds on the inside! Do you know how hard
that is?! Every day, if I begin to have an attitude that I shouldn't, or
think something that I shouldn't I have to bring it to the Cross and ask
God to help keep that thought captive!
2 Corinthians 10:5 -
We demolish arguments and every
pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take
captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
Through
this process I have heard advice and received counsel from many trusted
people in my life and yet I will still make my own decisions about
things and I have to be listening to God first and foremost.
There
have been some tough decisions that needed to be made recently but I
know who God is, I know He is faithful, I know He loves me, forgives me,
and has my best interest in mind. Therefore, I know I can release it
all to Him and trust that He's got it under control.
It's not
always easy to just let it all go but when you know without a doubt in
your mind that God is faithful and loves you it's a bit easier to trust
Him with everything....He will never let you down! Of course it's hard
to wait, the process is rarely easy, but God is doing something great,
even if we don't know what that looks like. He leads us with a lamp unto our feet, not stadium lights or a spot light.
Psalm 119:105 -
Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.
Many
times all that can be seen is a enough light to take the next step. We
may not know the end result, God often keeps that to Himself because we
need to learn to trust Him more fully through the process. We need to
learn to trust Him to show us the next step even if we don't know what the outcome will be.
It's
certainly not easy but I'm experiencing His grace and love in the
process. He has been using a huge community of wonderful sisters and
brothers in Christ to help me keep marching on.
A year ago I didn't know any of these people but I can't say enough about them.
I've
had some friends in the past and one that I was very close with but it
wasn't like this. Of course I'm in a different place than I used to be
(only by the grace of God). Every time I see these folks it's like a
reunion of your closest family members. Having faith in Jesus Christ is
what connects us and what a wonderful blessing that is.
It's hard to
explain the love I feel towards them and the love I receive back. All I
know is that I finally, truly believe that if I'm not able to make it to
a get together, I'm genuinely missed. I suppose it all goes back to
being a part of the body of Christ. I'm not sure what part I am but I
know that as a part of this body, when I'm not there, the body misses
me. I say this with confidence and maybe it sounds prideful, like I'm
something special to my family of friends....but frankly, I know that I
am! Not because of what I, myself, bring to the table, but because of
what God does through me. It is not I, but Christ in me.
Romans 12:4-5 - For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function,so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.
Galatians 2:20 -
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives
in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of
God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
I just never knew what a loving community was like. With Christ as the
center of all of us we can help each other grow and love each other in
the process.
Seeing what God has done in my life so far this year,
brings so much peace to my soul. And though it's not always easy, I know
I have a Mighty King who is fighting for me and a community of sisters
and brothers who are there for me and love me through it all.
Praise Jesus Christ, our God and King forever!
"Once my light was fading, but You gave me Yours...I can breathe for the first time, I can see for the first time....And I've never run so far I've never felt so strong, when I am where You are, I found where I belong. For the first time."
If you are following along with me during this thing called life, you
may remember that the 22nd of each month is significant for me.
The
22nd of October represents the day that I committed myself to one year of singleness with the Lord. On August 22, I celebrated 10 months of
singleness.
I had planned on writing a post on that day but
never got a chance to which, as it turns out, I needed to have a
conversation about what was going on in my heart instead.
However,
I would like to write out a little bit about what I was reflecting upon
that day and the process I went through in a 24 hour period. Perhaps I
want to write about it just in order to remember that day and to have
this post to look back on in a few years.
First of all, it has
come to my attention that most people in my life have been single most,
if not all of their lives. Which is great because they've been protected
from so many painful things that I know comes with being in unhealthy
relationships. So to most people the whole year of singleness
thing....well they don't truly understand how huge it is for me. For
many others, being single is something that has not only been easy for
them but they don't want to be single. Because of that there have
been few people that I can talk to that truly understand the
significance of this. Don't get me wrong, they celebrate with me, and
encourage me, but many still don't really understand the depth of the
commitment and why it's such a big deal.
I admit, if any of you
know me, I have been getting to know someone on a friendship level but I
know there were questions about whether or not there was something more
going on. So I'd like to briefly address that situation and just say
that nothing more than getting to know someone as a friend with the
potential for more has been going on. To a lot of people that means that
you still spend time alone with one another and may or may not be
involved physically. But that isn't at all the case in my life.
This person and I have discussed things, invited others in for counsel,
and kept strict boundaries on every area of life.
I bring this up
partially to protect the vow of singleness between God and I, and also
so no more questions or assumptions are made concerning my life. Not
only that, I also want to encourage anyone that has been questioning me,
etc. to talk to me directly. I tend to be a very open and honest person
and am not trying to hide anything from anyone. Believe me, I've tried
that kind of life and it's way too much work. If anyone wants to know
anything, ask.
Moving on, so on August 22, I started the day
with joy and excitement about what God is doing currently and what else
He is going to do in the future.
Then, as I started to reflect on
the person I used to be and what He has done in my life, I got very
emotional and cried. I can't stress enough how different it is for me to
be single, and contently single at that. If you've been reading any of
these posts or if you know me at all, you'll know that my life was
always one relationship after another. When I was broken up with, I just
found someone else, whether it was via the internet or some other way. I
see this pattern SO often in our world now which breaks my heart, but I
won't get into that right now.
Anyway, as I started to remember
what I used to be and what God has done in me in 10 months....I
couldn't help but cry and thank Him. There are so many things in my
heart that can't even be put into words. Realizations of His protection
and His faithfulness. The knowledge that He was with me during every
broken time in my life and when I was deliberately sinning against Him.
When I pushed Him in the corner and went my own way....and all the while
He was waiting for me to reach out to Him and call Him back into my
life. That's the thing about God, He doesn't force His way into our
lives, He gives us a choice. We can either push Him away and live our
own way which ends in loneliness, misery, shame, and destruction. Or we
can surrender to Him and allow His love to fill our souls with joy,
peace, fulfillment and life. He waits for us to invite Him in. I was
always afraid to, afraid He couldn't love me after all that I had done. I
was afraid that He wouldn't be enough, that if I wasn't in an earthly
relationship, I would feel lonely and unloved. What an incredibly huge lie I believed.
These last 10 months haven't been easy but they have been the most alive that I have ever felt.
The
healing God has brought me is almost indescribable. He has teaching me
what real love is. He is showing me that real love is sacrifice and when
both people are willing to sacrifice, to lay down one's life and be
willing to choose to stay even when times are hard, that's when true
love shines through.
You see, love isn't a fuzzy feeling, it's not
when your heart jumps when you think of someone. Love, true love, proves
itself when you are broken and shattered, when times are hard, you have
nothing to give, and you feel like running away but you don't, and they
don't. And you walk through the storm together, leaning on the Lord together.
I
never really understood what love meant, I thought that when someone
told me that they loved me then that was love. But in reality those
words meant, "I'll keep you around if you're exactly how I want you to
be and if you give me what I want. Otherwise I'm moving on to someone
else." And I had the same attitude. I grew so used to that type of view
on love that I assumed that that's what human love was. I want to
believe that I thought about God differently but I know this thinking
had an effect on my view of God as well.
Now, though, since all
the awesome things that God has done, I can celebrate with such joy
knowing I never have to go back to that. The old me is dead. Christ has made me new.
I only have 2 months left in this vow and I know God can and will do mighty things and I am so excited!
In
the future, I am sure that I will go into a lot more detail about this
whole process and I hope and pray that God will use it to touch the
lives of others and help someone through a difficult season of life.
I praise my Father in Heaven for all the wonderful things He has done!
"I am learning to run freely understanding just how He sees me and it makes me love Him more and more."
So many exciting things have been going on. All because of God, there's no doubt about that!
He has brought an opportunity for me to talk a lot. On the radio. For anyone to hear.
WHAT?
I seriously don't know how this happened. Of course the only
explanation is God alone. I was approached in April by Heidi Hanes, I
believe one of the founders of this local radio station, and she did a
short interview with me. I shared a little bit about my testimony and
she put that on the air! For some reason, she thought that I would be an
asset to the station and well, long story short, I now have a radio
show called "Growing Together." Last night I was live on the air for the
first time. It was so exciting even though I really don't know what we
talked about!
It is, of course just a small radio station with
not a ton of power but God can absolutely use it for His glory and to
bring people closer to Him. That is my prayer for the show He brought my
way, that whatever we talk about and whatever He puts on my heart to
share, that it will bring Him glory and touch the lives of those
listening. I also get to choose different music to play so that's pretty exciting too. Last night we played some Phil Wickham, of course!
Anyway, I just wanted to write a short post about
that just in case anyone wants to tune in. Locally you can hear it by
turning your radio dial to 106.1 FM WGLU-LP. You are also able to stream it
online. Click here to check out the website and listen!
The
show I will be hosting, again, called "Growing Together" will be
Tuesday and Thursday from 8:30-9:30 PM and Saturday 1:00-2:00 PM.
I hope you tune in and also get connected to the station on facebook!
Sometimes we encounter really difficult situations in life and we have to make choices about how to respond to them.
First
I'd like to mention that today is my 9 months 'monthiversary' of being
single. It's been an interesting ride these past few weeks. Some doubts
about God's plan for me has crept in and yet He is always trustworthy
and I know He has His best plan in mind.
Before I finally bowed
my knee to Christ and truly surrendered everything to Him, I was stuck
in the same pattern of bad relationship after bad relationship. The
series of unhealthy, heart breaking relationships lasted for at least 10
years. Maybe a decade doesn't seem long to you but to me it felt like a
lifetime. Within that decade of time everything I was got torn apart.
My heart became so numb to any sort of feeling that I grew to believe
that the pattern of broken relationships was all my life would ever be,
and I convinced myself I was okay with that. I convinced myself that it
was normal and there could be no other way.
If you've been
reading any of my post from this past year you will know that God has
changed all that in me. He has shown me a better way and proved that a
person can, indeed, change. The change He made in me is so drastically
different from the person I used to be it's hard to even imagine myself
ever living in the way that I did. Which is what I have come to
recognize is the proof that only Christ can change a person so
drastically (try all you want on your own strength, it won't work, we're
created to be completely dependent on God). What a relief that is
because I'm pretty weak and in no way shape or form would I have or anyone
else for that matter been able to change my heart's desires and lifestyle the way
God has.
Okay, getting to the real purpose of this post:
Doubt and trust.
Did you know that it's OK and even normal to have moments of doubts in your Christian walk?
We
as humans struggle with wondering what God's plan is for us - where are
we supposed to work? Who are we supposed to marry? Where should I live?
- The list goes on.
In recent history I've been doubting a few
things. Not doubts of whether or not God loves me or even has a plan,
but specifically doubts about which path to take and if it's been God's
voice that I've been hearing or if somehow I've been doing things on my
own, or worse yet, am I listening to the voice of the enemy? Is that
possible? Do I not know the sound of my Master's voice? Am I a, um, not
so smart sheep who doesn't know the sound of my Shepherd's voice?
I've
been thinking and talking with some people close to me and I wonder if
perhaps my old way of thinking is creeping in. I say that because the
main thoughts in my head are ones of earthly matters, not eternal. I'm
being selfish and prideful and expecting God to bend to my wishes
because I'm convinced that I know better than Him.
It's kind of sad
really because deep down I know that I don't know better than Him. He
has what's best in mind for me because He loves me so much and wants to
give me good things.
I know these things, and yet I still struggle with wondering what He is doing and if I will ever know! Or how long will it take to know? Why must I wait? What are you doing in me that needs so much time to figure out?
Then I'm brought back to reality.....(my dear Mother pointed this out)..."there are 10 years worth of brokenness in your heart and it's been 9 months since you made your promise." OHHH
right, that makes sense to me...there's a lot of junk that needs to be
dealt with. Ten years worth. Can God restore me overnight or in a few
months? Yes, He can. But He's not and that's OK.
Truthfully, if He
brought to the surface all the deep hurts in my heart from all those
years my frail human frame would probably burst at the seams and I'd be
constantly dehydrated from all the tears cried.
Throughout these
months God has been gently bringing hurts to my mind and healing me
slowly. Sure, the process is kind of frustrating and at times I think I
could handle more but then I breakdown and don't want any more! Oh, how frail we are. However, I'd rather
be frail and fall into my Savior's arms knowing I am safe and that He
has my entire life in His hands. I've lived the life of pretending to
have it all together and not inviting Christ to help me, it's a
miserable, desperate, sad, and tiresome one.
Doubt still creeps
in though, and I find myself crying out to God and asking Him what He's
doing and where I'm being lead to. Wondering if I've missed a step in
the process or gone backwards and have to start all over again.
Is
one year enough time for God to heal every layer from every year that I
walked away from Him? I want to believe the answer to be 'yes' but I
can't be sure.
He has done an incredible amount in me in the last 9
months but with only 3 left can He really restore me fully? There is still a fear of
commitment in my heart. Then the thoughts that my life will always be an endless pattern
of failed relationships creeps its head in. After all it was like that for 10 years. I
know, I know, those negative thoughts are lies. They are lies that the
enemy is attempting to use in order to toss me into a pit of
worthlessness and yet another broken heart.
My doubts may not go
away today or tomorrow but I am comforted to know that even in those
doubts God is faithful and I know I can trust Him.
2 Corinthians 4:16 says - Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
The commentary in my NIV study Bible says:
It
is easy to lose heart and quit. (Truth!) We all have faced problems in
our relationships or in our work that have caused us to want to think
about laying down the tools and walking away. Rather than giving up when
persecution wore him down, Paul concentrated on experiencing the inner
strength from the Holy Spirit. Don't let fatigue, pain, or criticism
force you off the job. Renew your commitment to serving Christ. Don't
forsake your eternal reward because of the intensity of today's pain.
Your very weakness allows the resurrection power of Christ to strengthen
you moment by moment.
2 Corinthians 4:17-18 - For our
light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that
far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on
what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is
eternal.
Well, that's a relief, this current struggle won't last forever AND it has eternal value. Praise God!
So,
I know that even in moments or seasons of doubt (1) God is still good,
(2) God is still faithful, (3) He hasn't forgotten me, and (4) He still
has a plan. The BEST plan in mind for me.
"We must realize and
embrace the truth that God genuinely wants what is best for us, and
doubt attempts to lead us away from God's best."
This I know: I can trust my King. Always and forever. Just let God, be God. He's got this.
"Be still my soul and rest
Humbly I confess
In my weakness
Your strength is perfect
For You alone are God
There will be no other
And You have won my heart
More than any other
So I will give it all
'Cause You gave it all for me"
God has been showing me so many things these last few months.
He has been moving so much in my life and in the lives of many people I care a lot about.
My heart is burdened, however, for so many of those that have yet to come to the knowledge of how good our God is.
If I were to choose one thing to write about right now I think it would be the issue of all of the new age ideas of what life is all about.
Every other idea/religion/philosophy except for that of the truth of Jesus Christ and Him crucified for our sins says that if you work harder, be nicer, do good deeds, be a better person, etc. you will have a better life now and in the next life. If the belief of a next life exists.
The beauty of Biblical Christianity is that once you repent of (turn away from) your sins and put your trust in Jesus by allowing Him to take over your life, you no longer have to try to be a better person or do good things. Once you allow God to work in your heart, your desires will change and because of that you will want to do nice things and love people better, but you aren't "trying" to do it on your own strength. When you give your life to Christ, the Holy Spirit empowers you to love differently by His strength through you. There's much about this that is hard to explain, there is a wisdom that God gives you once you come to know Him.
Without Christ, life is a pattern of searching and seeking happiness and belonging. You may have nice things and you may even have many moments of happiness in your life, but at the end of the day can you honestly look into your heart and say that you are experiencing true joy in your life. A joy that surpasses all understanding, that no matter what happens, you have hope that things will work out?
It's easy to say yes, trying to convince yourself that this is true for yourself but the truth is, no matter if you accept it or not, if you don't have Christ and are not walking with Him and allowing Him to work in your life, you ultimately will be wandering through life searching for belonging yet never finding it. You have no power to stop doing things that you know you shouldn't do. You don't have to ability to "try harder next time" or "do things differently." You will easily fall back into the same mistakes you've always made.
I don't say this as someone who doesn't know what she's talking about because "I don't know your situation." While, you're right, there are aspects of your life I may not understand but this much I do know, because I've experienced it. If God is not in your life nothing makes sense and life is a constant struggle to be loved and a constant search for belonging. I always thought I could do things differently and not make the same mistake twice but my sinful nature always took over my thinking. I gave in because I didn't know how to get out of it. I gave in because I assumed nothing could ever change and that I would have to hide behind so many lies and pretend to be happy. I thought my life would always be a pattern of unhealthy relationships that didn't last any more than 6, maybe 8 months. I never thought a good man, first of all, existed, much less one that would be interested in me. But that was only the beginning of the brokenness deep inside my heart.
Having a relationship with a human doesn't give life meaning. NO. It doesn't.
It can help bring you happiness, sure, but a true happiness...true JOY doesn't come from being married.
True JOY that surpasses understanding, true joy that continues through hard times and good times, only comes from one place. It comes from Heaven and His Name is Jesus Christ.
I rejoice because I have learned the secret to abundant life. I have been adopted into the family of God. I am His child and what a privilege it is.
I want you to know that you need to stop trying. You need to stop running, stop searching, stop seeking the empty things that this world gives you. The world's "wisdom" says that you can be all you want to be, never give up on your dreams, do whatever it takes to reach your goal to make money and see everything there is to see in this world. And while those things are not bad in themselves, the motivation behind them is to build yourself up and get what YOU want out of life. But I am telling you, that is NOT what life is all about. Those things, the striving to get what you want and do what you want will only leave you empty in the end.
It may seem like your life is fine without Christ but I assure you, if you turn from Him and go your own way, you will end up broken and empty eventually. It may take longer than others but it will happen. So please don't ignore God. He is there, watching and waiting. Always.
All you have to do is ask Him to forgive you for running away, ask Him to forgive you for trying to live life your way and that you want Him to take over your heart, to make you new, and to give you a new life with new desires. He is faithful and will forgive you and give you eternal life with Him.
There is nothing else in this life that will bring you true joy and nothing else that can promise eternal life.
There is ONE way, not multiple ways. One path, not multiple paths. ONE truth, not multiple truths. Don't believe the lie that says "if it's true for you then it's true for you and will lead you to a good afterlife."
How can there be many truths? If I looked at the car you drive and said that it's not a car, it's a truck would I not be telling a lie? It's clearly a car. (Unless, of course you do drive a truck then it would be true, but hopefully you get the point.) If I looked at a white person and told you that they were black because my truth says they are black not white, that wouldn't make any sense, would it? It's the same with a belief system. Not everything can be true.
There is only one truth and that truth is Jesus Christ. There is only one place to find true meaning and that is in His arms of love, grace, and kindness.
From the depths of the love in my heart,
Brit
"I thought that I was able, but my lamp's under the table
With my face against the corner I've forgotten
All the steps You laid before me, how You brought me from
A dead sea, now amidst my hesitation I've forgotten
I can run far from You but my thirst would never die....
Finally I've found my peace I have nothing left to prove
Cause trusting You in everything is all that I can do.
I am nothing, without You inside of me, Jesus I'm nothing
Without You I'm incomplete so I need You now, need You always."
Though this
is true I've found in amazing that for the most part my attitude toward
is has been positive. I'm extremely thankful that God showed me a new
Winter sport that I didn't know I loved! It's been so peaceful to Nordic
ski nearly everyday and see the beauty God has created even during the Winter season. In the past I hated Winter! I just wanted to
hibernate for the whole dreaded season. However, while this Winter has been cold,
snowy, and long, I've actually enjoyed it a lot. I will admit though, I look forward to the warm sun and the smell of fresh cut grass.
Anyway,
God
has been showing me many things lately and one big thing in particular
is how important it is that if you've made a promise to Him you must
keep it.
The Bible says it is better not to make a promise to Him if you don't think you can keep it than to make one and go back on it.
Deuteronomy 23:21-23 -
If you make a vow to the Lord your God, do not be slow to pay it, for the Lord
your God will certainly demand it of you and you will be guilty of sin.
But if you refrain from making a vow, you will not be guilty. Whatever
your lips utter you must be sure to do, because you made your vow freely
to the Lord your God with your own mouth.
Five
months ago today, I made a promise (vow) to God that I am His and only
His for an entire year. This is a pretty big deal for someone who always
found it hard to be single.
I know God has a lot of work to do in me to prepare me for marriage, if marriage is His will for me. Sometimes it can be difficult to wait for His work to be done in me. I
find myself wanting to know exactly what He needs to do in my heart to
prepare me. What hidden things need to be healed or what hidden sins do I
need to repent of? In my mind, if I know these things I can just "fix"
it and then I'll be ready. That's not how God works.
There
are things that ONLY He can fix and I know that. I look forward to the work
He will do as I can see what work He has already done in my heart.
Yesterday
morning, after a lot of prayer the night before, God reminded me of how
important it is to keep the promise I made to Him. I had started
wondering if that promise was really something He wanted for me or not.
Then the very next morning during my time with Him, He showed me the
answer.
Ecclesiastes 5:4-7-
When you make a vow to God, do not delay to fulfill it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow.It is better not to make a vow than to make one and not fulfill it.Do
not let your mouth lead you into sin. And do not protest to the temple
messenger, “My vow was a mistake.” Why should God be angry at what you
say and destroy the work of your hands?Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore fear God.
What
I realized when He showed me this, was that whether the year of
singleness was something He lead me to do or if it was just a hasty
decision on my part, it doesn't matter. He is still holding me to that
promise. It's extremely important that I keep that vow to Him.
And
that's alright with me. I know there is a lot in my heart that needs
healing so as I said before, I look forward to the work He is doing in
me.
So if you have ever made a promise to God, small or big, be
sure to fulfill it. Not because I'm telling you to but because God tells
you to!
We need to remember that He is Almighty God and while
yes, He is our Friend, He is also our Sovereign King and deserves the
utmost respect and reverence.
Hebrews 12:27-29 - Therefore,
since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be
thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe,for our “God is a consuming fire.”
So,
I realized how important it is to keep this vow of singleness to my
King and I intend to do so. Again, I encourage you to keep your promises
and remember to have reverence for Him, our Holy God.
"Invited by redeeming Love, before the Throne of God Above....Oh praise the One Who fights for me and shields my soul eternally....I'm face to Face with Love Himself, His Perfect, Spotless, Righteousness."
Who do you seek favor from? Who do you wish would look at you and be totally captivated by who you are? More often than not we seek to find a sense of worth in the opposite sex. We seek to impress them and desire that they find us favorable to their eyes. We hope they find us beautiful and special. We work our bodies, wear certain clothing, put makeup on our faces, all in hopes that someone will look at us and think, "She is special, she is worthy of my love." Or depending on who is reading this, "He is special, he is worthy of my love."
Have you ever thought about what goes into your minds throughout the day? The TV is plastered with advertisements, shows, and movies, all filled with what the world deems beautiful and successful. This most often includes skinny, muscular girls with jobs in which they make six digits or men that look like models in GQ and drive expensive cars. (By the way, I typed GQ into google and the tagline that came up was: GQ Magazine Online: Look Sharp, Live Smart) Because life is all about what you look like, and if you look good you must be smart....riiight. I don't buy it and you shouldn't either.
As we watch the shows, read the magazines, drive down the road and see billboards plastered with such images, we start thinking....that is who I want to be. I want to have a perfectly toned body, have a model husband (or wife) and make a lot of money, then I'll be happy.
Think about the people this world favors. We watch the red carpet events and praise those who make millions of dollars, dress in expensive clothing, and make movies that are filled with sex and violence. Movies that tell us to cheat on our spouses, or just never get married, climb the corporate ladder by cheating and stealing, scoff at the poor and homeless, and do whatever it takes to make yourself feel good about yourself. The majority of movies, shows, magazines, and advertisements are all about seeking the best for yours truly.
So I ask again, whose favor are you seeking? Why do you push your body to the extreme to "get the best body you can" or pamper yourself by spending hundreds on spas and clothing? Are you trying to impress yourself or the world around you? Are you trying to evoke lust or envy from those around you? Are you listening to what the world is telling you about what is beautiful and what you should strive to look like or be like?
I'll tell you a short story about my old self. I used to dress mostly immodestly. I used to wear dresses with plunging necklines and short skirts, all in hopes of getting attention. I wanted men to desire me and women to want to be me. (lust and envy) I must say though, in my defense, I didn't always know that what I was wearing would evoke such thoughts from others. But, most of the time I hoped that it would. It was only until God changed my heart so drastically did I realize the error of my ways.
I listened to what the world said was beautiful and whom they said I should seek favor from.
It is all a lie. The world is infecting us with ideas that are false and will not bring glory to God. The favor in whom we seek will all die away, if we do not seek favor from God. What the world favors is all fleeting and only focuses on the temporal, not the eternal.
What is more important to you? How your temporal body looks on the outside? Or how your soul looks on the inside?
Proverbs 31:30-
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
James 1:11-
For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.
1 Peter 3:3-4 -
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. (Emphasis added) "Of great worth in God's sight"....again I quote, "in God's sight."
What is of great worth in our Creator's sight?: "your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit." "A woman that fears the Lord is to be praised."
By the way, a gentle and quiet spirit does not mean we sit in the corner and twiddle our thumbs and don't speak until spoken to. It means we are staying tuned to what God says about how to live life as a woman. (Sorry men if you're reading this but remember these things if you are looking for a wife! Seek one that focuses on what God thinks of her)
As women, we should not be harsh or act angrily towards others. We should be nurturing and loving. We should not be seeking favor from anyone but God. Our Creator. The One Whom knows you, and loves you more than anyone else ever could. If you are in Christ, God is always pleased with you, He always looks at you as though you are the only one on the planet. He is captivated by you, not by your outward appearance but by your heart. Do not seek favor from men or envy from women. Do not focus fully on your outward appearance as if your life depends on it. It certainly doesn't. Your life depends on Jesus Christ and what He did for you. Seek to please Him and Him alone.
I emphasis again, if you are in Christ, He is already pleased with you, you have already found His favor. If you do not yet know the freedom that comes from knowing Christ as your Savior, there is no better time than now to ask Him to change your life. You don't need a new workout program, spa treatment, or bigger house, all you need is Jesus Christ. Seek His favor, and His favor alone.
Now, also, just to let you know, I'm not saying that going to the gym and eating better is useless, of course we also need to take care of our bodies. I am only saying that we should not be doing those things just to get favor from the world or because that is what the world deems as beautiful. Our inner beauty is what matters to God and therefore, that is much more important than what our bodies look like on the outside.
Get to know God's heart by reading His Word. If you are in Christ, it is necessary that we live and look different than the world, therefore, reading His Word gives us insight as to how to do that. As I said before, if you are in Christ, He is already pleased with you, but in reading what the Bible says about Christian living, you will find that it is a lot more freeing to live like He tells us to live rather than to attempt to please the world by doing what the world says and living like they live. Romans 6:16-
Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?
Romans 8:15 -
The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”
"Yours will be, the only Name that matters to me, the only One whose favor I seek. The only Name that matters to me....Your love is all I ever needed."
