Summer, it fell

Oh the sounds of Summer leaving us behind in the cold.

"Summer, it came
like a light across the highlands
and we laid it down.
You wore a dress
made of light from the islands
and we sent postcards home.

In dying light
this was not to be forgotten
because we are the chosen few.
Into the sea with the touch of softest cotton
Beneath this angel moon
Its been keeping me awake

Leaving this behind was my first mistake
and I'm not so strong
to be satisfied by all the things I've done
and the things it threw away.

You wrote your name
as we lay among the heather.
What you left behind
Following paths that would lead us both together
Let us lose our minds
Its been keeping me awake

Leaving this behind was my first mistake
and I'm not so strong
to be satisfied by all the things I've done
by the things it threw away.

Summer, it fell
and it coursed across the highlands
and so quickly gone.
Your faded dress for years now tied away and silent
and the night's late lullaby
has been keeping me awake.

Leaving this behind was my first mistake
and I'm not so strong
to be satisfied by all the things I've done
by all the things it threw away.
By all the things it threw away" - Tariko

Me and my BFF's will miss you summer.
Until next year.

Summer Sadness.

I know it's been a while since I last posted, and you know that I usually post only when I'm down in the dumps. Sadly, I admit that when I'm sad is the only time I like to write.

I went through old poems recently and it's amazing how I can remember my exact emotions when writing, I can also remember where I was and of course who the poem was about. They are mostly about my most recent past love.

For some reason, when I'm feeling sad I remember him, which only makes me more sad. I often look back on past relationships and wonder what it was that I did wrong. I know I'm not supposed to live in the past but I have serious issues.

I really do find it hard to commit because I always convince myself I'm not good enough. I know I've posted about this before but I'm feeling this way, yet again. There is a really great guy in my life right now, but I can't help but fear it's not going to work out and I am sick and tired of things not working out.

This is why I just run away from it completely. It always seems like the best solution....

There are knots in my stomach and I just want to cry.
My thoughts drift to you again, knowing all that's left is pain.
My feet constantly stumbling on the words you say.
I tell myself you're a liar.
Is is really possible you're any different?
No, those are impossible thoughts.
I've been just as naive in the past, only to be beaten down.
My heart is forever in pieces, knowing I will never find him.
Destined for loneliness, this much I know.
It is easier to walk away.
You'll find someone else and I will be left in the rain.
Missing the times I thought we could be something real,
Knowing deep down, I'm not close to being worth it.
You were all I wanted but I will never be enough.

I want to choose you.

Went to Asheville and Winston-Salem, NC.

My stomach in knots.
Your face hidden behind my eyes.
I cannot see another, not the way I saw you.
Feeling confused. Trapped.
My heart is pounding.
There is something I need from you
Something I cannot explain
Just completely enchanted, captivated.
There was something real, can't you see?
Eyes filling with tears, heart breaking again.
I needed you to be with me.
It was hard for me to understand
I wish you let me in.
I wanted to know you, all of you.
Desperately scratching at my insides
I am screaming a whisper, dying to tell you,
I love you. After all, I love you.

During a walk on Christmas I daydreamed about a life with you.
Caring for you in ways that were difficult before. I miss you. I just really miss you.

Sadness sets in.

Stowe, VT.

Went to the Ben and Jerry's factory. Climbed a mountain. Learned some things about myself.

I have noticed a pattern in myself, so beware if you're not a family member.(cos you're stuck with me)

I've realized I am unable to keep someone around for an entire year. It's true, every friend I've had, every relationship I've been in has never had a 1 year anniversary.
SO I have to believe something is terribly wrong with me.
I push people away because I don't want to be rejected. I figure, that before I get hurt, I'll be the one to do the hurting, that way I don't have to go through being let down.

As a strong believer that all emotions I have in my adult life have come about from something that happened during my childhood; I just can't put my finger on exactly what happened. I always recall my parents being loving towards me, and my siblings loved me I think...hmmm interesting.
Perhaps as I got older something happened. I have started to think I should blame it on dating too early. I don't think my family had anything to do with it. I think I was too influenced by friends and significant others at that time.
Specifically boyfriends..and being in a high school relationship, of course it didn't "work out" why would it? It was high school. But at the time it meant everything to me and my heart got terribly broken, and I was cheated on and made to feel like I wasn't good enough. That there was someone worth more than me and my feelings didn't matter.

I don't talk to most people about this stuff, and if you happen to be reading this, I don't want to talk to you about it now. If you feel like it, keep reading, but seriously, don't ask me about it because I will clam up, not know what to say, and probably just get awkward and upset.

I suppose I just get into a "funk" as some may say, and I don't want anything to do with anyone. I want to just sit in my melancholy emotions and probably cry.
But my heart does hurt. And I wish I knew what was truly wrong with me and though I think I know how to help myself, I feel I can't do what I need to right now. It's these walls I have in front of me...they've been broken down in the past but they always seem to build themselves up again before I realize I need to put sugar in their concrete.

I just get scared of being left behind. I get scared that one day you tell me you want to be with me forever then the next day I watch you walk away and wonder again to myself, "what have I done?"

I don't like having regrets, but if I could go back I wouldn't have had any boyfriends because at this point I believe they are the culprits in making me feel so negatively about myself. (or at least they have a lot to do with it)

I know that most of my posts on this blog are sad and I apologize for that. I just find that I am a lot better at writing everything out than I am at speaking. And because I don't like talking about this anyway, I choose to write it here. For the whole world to see if they so please.

It's a way for you to really get to know me and my burdens without me having to discuss them with you, which I won't anyway.

We all have burdens and pains we sometimes don't share but for me, I have to get it out sometime otherwise I think my heart would break right out of my chest. And this is how I choose to let it out.

"You told me you loved me so why did you go away?...now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes..all that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss. Never thought we'd have a last kiss. Never imagined we'd end like this. Your name, forever the name on my lips...We can plan for a change in weather and time I never planned on you changing your mind."

Melancholy.

Stowe Pinnacle Mt.

Return of Winter Blues

I know this life is supposed to be full of fun and adventure but lately it falls short.

I don't exactly know what I'm doing, where I'm going...Occasionally an idea will stick in my head about the next step but then, sadly, it fails. Or I fail, I don't know...

With Christmas coming I know I should be excited and yet I feel so lonely. Wondering, will I one day, ever, spend a Christmas with someone really special? It seems hopeless and I just want to get away.
I really do find it so hard to believe that a man can look at a woman and think "there's no one else in the world I want to be with." Is that really possible anymore? Why does it seem so unlikely?

I miss the days of traveling across the country. Seeing the glorious landscapes and feeling a new breeze in my hair. The fresh scents of the open spaces in Wyoming and the laid back, loving friendliness of the folks in South Dakota. It's amazing how different things are here in New York. No one wants a thing to do with you, at least that's how it feels sometimes.

I miss being in a place where no one knows me and I can be just who I want to be without someone thinking I'm crazy or 'different.' I know that all places have ups and downs but perhaps the downs wouldn't be so bad if I was somewhere new and different. I've thought that in the past though and running away never changed anything. I am still stuck in the emotions inside my head.

I miss the freedom that Grayson Highlands made me feel last Summer. If only I could bring myself to go back there.

I just hope this Winter won't feel too cold and lonesome.

Hopeless Daydream.

-I had a dream that I was laying in sweet warm grass on a bright sunny day. I closed my eyes and smelled the fresh air. When I opened them I looked at the bright blue sky filled with soft white clouds that looked close enough to float into.
Blocking out the whole world and dreaming of a life I could not seem to find. However I felt I belonged there, cozy in the warm grass.
Abruptly awakened by the desperate crying of a man missing someone. I went to him, asked what was wrong, and all he could do was cry. I knew he was hurting. Hurting for his lost love. I knew this because I felt the same. As tears rushed through my eyes I held him close and we cried together. Two lonely people desperate for a lost love.
When our tears finally started to dry we walked to that place in the grass. Laying down, he sighed the most lonesome sound I had ever heard, and I did the same.
Just two lonesome souls wishing to drift away in the clouds passing above us. -

I often find myself wondering if love can ever truly be found. It is this, among a few other things, I struggle with. I want to believe that one day the man of my dreams will arrive. Destroying every doubt I have ever had in my mind.
I find it hard to believe that one man will truly love one woman enough to have the desire for her presence whenever they are apart. It seems that it doesn't really make sense. As if it is some fairy tale told once when I was young.
In real life, fairy tales don't exist. I have to wonder why we are told such lies when we are so small. Why should we dream of our prince whom will never come? As we grow older we realize this truth...or I suppose it's just me feeling this way.

Once I thought I found him, I truly started to believe in such love. However, it all fell apart, not to my surprise. I still look back, knowing, or at least wishing I could have done things differently.

Why do I chase something that was never there, something that could never really exist for me...when will I ever learn?

I miss everything about you.

My only hope.

It has been two weeks since the passing of Nannie. It just so happens, that I put my Pandora station on and Only Hope by Switchfoot came on. In the last hours that song reminded me of Nannie. She was so close to seeing God's face, to being held in His arms. Safe, warm, and perfect. I know that right now she is singing praises...I can almost picture it. Though it's impossible to even imagine what heaven looks like...I know it must be breathtaking.

I don't know if I'll live to 90..I don't really want to. I know Nannie lived such a good life. Did so many things and created wonderful lives for those she loved. My own Mother learned nearly everything from her and I see it more everyday. My appreciation for my mom grows constantly. When I look at her I see someone different. She's not like she used to be. I know caring for her mom has truly changed her; given her a different perspective on life. She's sort of sad now, but not sad from such a loss but from not having someone she loved so dearly and in such a special way to take care of anymore. Perhaps she's unsure of her next step. Either way, she almost captivates me in a sense now. She's so strong and so loving. She loves unconditionally in ways I'm not sure I ever could. Supportive in every sense of the word and so incredibly giving. With risk of sounding too sappy, she leaves me speechless.

We have been able to spend time together, but it's not the same as it used to be. We're both different. Older and more mature I think. We both see things differently and perhaps appreciate a lot more about life.

All in all, I find that I am incredibly blessed to know this woman whom is not only my mother but my friend. I just can't express in words how one of a kind she is. There is no one like her. No one I know would do what she did for her mother and for that, among many other things, I am totally speechless. She has the biggest and most unselfish heart of anyone I have ever come in contact with. Caring so much more for everyone else around her more than herself majority of the time. (Which upsets me sometimes because she deserves to take time for herself). My mom is certainly a special woman and honestly, I'm not sure what sparked this rant about her but these are things I have been thinking about her but just never took the time to write them down. I'm not much for speaking, I feel I'm better at writing what I feel so I'm relieved that I was able to express all these things in a relatively understandable way. 

I also want to share the lyrics to Only Hope:

Only Hope
There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give You my apathy
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

-Switchfoot

Mom and I in the reflection of a balloon.