If I'm dreaming, I don't want to wake up.

Loving the new Mae album! This music brings me right back to high school, but the good parts about high school.

This song in particular has a special meaning to me but I'm keeping that a secret.

These lights and numbers are a bright sign
Smoke-filled casinos, but what do we know we'll take a chance
Looking for cheap thrills and fast rides
Spin till we're dizzy, the gamble, the sleep and now we dance

We stumble up and down the concrete
Led by distraction, the empty attraction keeps us blind
Never intending for the complete
Like shadows and alleyways, the unknown continues biding time

We're chasing heaven as it fades into black
Can't get it back, no, we can't get it back
It's like we're running crazy 8s 'round the track
Can't wait to come back, can't wait to come back

Could you stay with me tonight?
We sleep for dreaming and away it goes
And I'll make you believe one last time
And let you feel it as my heart explodes

We sit and drink up on the cop car
Playing illegally, the boredom of fantasy, we're done
I've never, ever loved you so hard, but is that reality
We can't face the battle in the dark

We're chasing heaven as it fades into black
Can't get it back, no, we can't get it back
It's like we're running crazy 8s 'round the track
Can't wait to come back, can't wait to come back

Could you stay with me tonight?
We sleep for dreaming and away it goes
And I'll make you believe one last time
And let you feel it as my heart explodes

Could you stay with me tonight?
We sleep for dreaming and away it goes
And I'll make you believe one last time
And let you feel it as my heart explodes

We sit, we think, and we figure out just right where to start
As these waters rush together, we keep ripping them apart
Is this truth? Is this real? Is there something more to feel?
Do we chase the sensation of lying uphill?
Have we now reached the end...just to find the beginning again?

Stay with me tonight
We sleep for dreaming and away it goes
And I'll make you believe one last time
And let you feel it as my heart explodes

Could you stay with me tonight?
We sleep for dreaming and away it goes
And I'll make you believe one last time
And let you feel it as my heart explodes

Could you stay with me tonight?
We're chasing heaven as it fades into black
Stay with me tonight
It's like we're running crazy 8s 'round the track
Could you stay with me tonight?
We're chasing heaven as it fades into black
And I'll make you believe one last time
It's like we're running crazy 8s 'round the track - Mae

Brit

Autumn Begins - Learning.

The 8th of October was my 25th birthday. It's pretty crazy to think that I am now a quarter of a century old. Makes me feel even older wording it that way.

What have I accomplished in these years? I know I've learned an incredible amount of things about myself, the people in my life and the people that are no longer in my life.

I understand things about myself that I never really understood before, and I think I know the reasons for my thoughts and actions. It is always a journey and a struggle to change the things I don't like but some of those things will probably never change and that's OK too. All of us have insecurities and doubts about all things in life and I know that's completely normal. Subconsciously, I think our brains know where we are meant to be and who is meant to be in our life. I know it is also God putting us in those places and with certain people...or at least He's allowing those things because we will learn something.

In my recent past I chose to let go of a couple very special people. One is a very, very special little girl. She's only 5 but is extremely smart, loving, and compassionate. I fell in love, and for those of you that really know me, I don't really like kids all that much. I never grew up having them around me so I never learned how to deal with them. However, when this little girl came into my life something changed inside of me. Something I didn't quite understand; I felt a love for this person that I've never felt before. And she loved me, adored me, actually. When certain situations arose, I was no longer able to be in her life and my heart broke. It was, indeed, my choice but I knew I no longer had a place in her life. She didn't need me anymore and it just seemed it didn't make sense for me to be present any longer. I am still heartbroken over this but I learned something. I learned that I can love a child and a child can love me. A sort of compassion grew in my heart and now I look at children in a whole new way. I think learning that was the purpose of having those people in my life. I will always miss her but life is so full of hard decisions and I knew this was the right one for me and her. In the long run hearts will mend and move on to another person to love.
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We went to the Blue Rose Restaurant for a birthday lunch! Located in Newport, NY my grandma often went to eat there. It was really special to think she often ate there and it was the first time I've ever been there! We had a good time and ate some pretty good food!

I was also able to spend some time at our family camp. There was a lovely rainbow and I was able to capture this cool photo with Mama looking at it!

Me being silly and sitting in a stump. Haha

It's been a nice October so far. Very busy, but good. Though I'm not looking forward to the cold, I am looking forward to fall festivities and Christmas! Stay tuned for more fun!

Summer, it fell

Oh the sounds of Summer leaving us behind in the cold.

"Summer, it came
like a light across the highlands
and we laid it down.
You wore a dress
made of light from the islands
and we sent postcards home.

In dying light
this was not to be forgotten
because we are the chosen few.
Into the sea with the touch of softest cotton
Beneath this angel moon
Its been keeping me awake

Leaving this behind was my first mistake
and I'm not so strong
to be satisfied by all the things I've done
and the things it threw away.

You wrote your name
as we lay among the heather.
What you left behind
Following paths that would lead us both together
Let us lose our minds
Its been keeping me awake

Leaving this behind was my first mistake
and I'm not so strong
to be satisfied by all the things I've done
by the things it threw away.

Summer, it fell
and it coursed across the highlands
and so quickly gone.
Your faded dress for years now tied away and silent
and the night's late lullaby
has been keeping me awake.

Leaving this behind was my first mistake
and I'm not so strong
to be satisfied by all the things I've done
by all the things it threw away.
By all the things it threw away" - Tariko

Me and my BFF's will miss you summer.
Until next year.

Summer Sadness.

I know it's been a while since I last posted, and you know that I usually post only when I'm down in the dumps. Sadly, I admit that when I'm sad is the only time I like to write.

I went through old poems recently and it's amazing how I can remember my exact emotions when writing, I can also remember where I was and of course who the poem was about. They are mostly about my most recent past love.

For some reason, when I'm feeling sad I remember him, which only makes me more sad. I often look back on past relationships and wonder what it was that I did wrong. I know I'm not supposed to live in the past but I have serious issues.

I really do find it hard to commit because I always convince myself I'm not good enough. I know I've posted about this before but I'm feeling this way, yet again. There is a really great guy in my life right now, but I can't help but fear it's not going to work out and I am sick and tired of things not working out.

This is why I just run away from it completely. It always seems like the best solution....

There are knots in my stomach and I just want to cry.
My thoughts drift to you again, knowing all that's left is pain.
My feet constantly stumbling on the words you say.
I tell myself you're a liar.
Is is really possible you're any different?
No, those are impossible thoughts.
I've been just as naive in the past, only to be beaten down.
My heart is forever in pieces, knowing I will never find him.
Destined for loneliness, this much I know.
It is easier to walk away.
You'll find someone else and I will be left in the rain.
Missing the times I thought we could be something real,
Knowing deep down, I'm not close to being worth it.
You were all I wanted but I will never be enough.

I want to choose you.

Went to Asheville and Winston-Salem, NC.

My stomach in knots.
Your face hidden behind my eyes.
I cannot see another, not the way I saw you.
Feeling confused. Trapped.
My heart is pounding.
There is something I need from you
Something I cannot explain
Just completely enchanted, captivated.
There was something real, can't you see?
Eyes filling with tears, heart breaking again.
I needed you to be with me.
It was hard for me to understand
I wish you let me in.
I wanted to know you, all of you.
Desperately scratching at my insides
I am screaming a whisper, dying to tell you,
I love you. After all, I love you.

During a walk on Christmas I daydreamed about a life with you.
Caring for you in ways that were difficult before. I miss you. I just really miss you.

Sadness sets in.

Stowe, VT.

Went to the Ben and Jerry's factory. Climbed a mountain. Learned some things about myself.

I have noticed a pattern in myself, so beware if you're not a family member.(cos you're stuck with me)

I've realized I am unable to keep someone around for an entire year. It's true, every friend I've had, every relationship I've been in has never had a 1 year anniversary.
SO I have to believe something is terribly wrong with me.
I push people away because I don't want to be rejected. I figure, that before I get hurt, I'll be the one to do the hurting, that way I don't have to go through being let down.

As a strong believer that all emotions I have in my adult life have come about from something that happened during my childhood; I just can't put my finger on exactly what happened. I always recall my parents being loving towards me, and my siblings loved me I think...hmmm interesting.
Perhaps as I got older something happened. I have started to think I should blame it on dating too early. I don't think my family had anything to do with it. I think I was too influenced by friends and significant others at that time.
Specifically boyfriends..and being in a high school relationship, of course it didn't "work out" why would it? It was high school. But at the time it meant everything to me and my heart got terribly broken, and I was cheated on and made to feel like I wasn't good enough. That there was someone worth more than me and my feelings didn't matter.

I don't talk to most people about this stuff, and if you happen to be reading this, I don't want to talk to you about it now. If you feel like it, keep reading, but seriously, don't ask me about it because I will clam up, not know what to say, and probably just get awkward and upset.

I suppose I just get into a "funk" as some may say, and I don't want anything to do with anyone. I want to just sit in my melancholy emotions and probably cry.
But my heart does hurt. And I wish I knew what was truly wrong with me and though I think I know how to help myself, I feel I can't do what I need to right now. It's these walls I have in front of me...they've been broken down in the past but they always seem to build themselves up again before I realize I need to put sugar in their concrete.

I just get scared of being left behind. I get scared that one day you tell me you want to be with me forever then the next day I watch you walk away and wonder again to myself, "what have I done?"

I don't like having regrets, but if I could go back I wouldn't have had any boyfriends because at this point I believe they are the culprits in making me feel so negatively about myself. (or at least they have a lot to do with it)

I know that most of my posts on this blog are sad and I apologize for that. I just find that I am a lot better at writing everything out than I am at speaking. And because I don't like talking about this anyway, I choose to write it here. For the whole world to see if they so please.

It's a way for you to really get to know me and my burdens without me having to discuss them with you, which I won't anyway.

We all have burdens and pains we sometimes don't share but for me, I have to get it out sometime otherwise I think my heart would break right out of my chest. And this is how I choose to let it out.

"You told me you loved me so why did you go away?...now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes..all that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss. Never thought we'd have a last kiss. Never imagined we'd end like this. Your name, forever the name on my lips...We can plan for a change in weather and time I never planned on you changing your mind."

Melancholy.

Stowe Pinnacle Mt.

Return of Winter Blues

I know this life is supposed to be full of fun and adventure but lately it falls short.

I don't exactly know what I'm doing, where I'm going...Occasionally an idea will stick in my head about the next step but then, sadly, it fails. Or I fail, I don't know...

With Christmas coming I know I should be excited and yet I feel so lonely. Wondering, will I one day, ever, spend a Christmas with someone really special? It seems hopeless and I just want to get away.
I really do find it so hard to believe that a man can look at a woman and think "there's no one else in the world I want to be with." Is that really possible anymore? Why does it seem so unlikely?

I miss the days of traveling across the country. Seeing the glorious landscapes and feeling a new breeze in my hair. The fresh scents of the open spaces in Wyoming and the laid back, loving friendliness of the folks in South Dakota. It's amazing how different things are here in New York. No one wants a thing to do with you, at least that's how it feels sometimes.

I miss being in a place where no one knows me and I can be just who I want to be without someone thinking I'm crazy or 'different.' I know that all places have ups and downs but perhaps the downs wouldn't be so bad if I was somewhere new and different. I've thought that in the past though and running away never changed anything. I am still stuck in the emotions inside my head.

I miss the freedom that Grayson Highlands made me feel last Summer. If only I could bring myself to go back there.

I just hope this Winter won't feel too cold and lonesome.