Yesterday was my anniversary of one year married to my amazing earthly husband.
This won't be a long post, I mostly just wanted to document a few things for future references.
It's been a wonderful year. A hard year, a year full of learning and growing. It's been the best year of my life.
I could talk again about how I never truly believed I would ever be married much less celebrating one year of marriage! God has been faithful and I can't express enough how incredible it is to do things the way God designs it. I think of all the women searching for a committed relationship and ending up in unhealthy relationships that don't last. It makes me sad but also full of passion to try to show them that doing things God's way is not burdensome, it is the best way, the only way of experiencing a life of abundance and true love. This does not come from Alex and I "trying harder" or "thinking positively," it comes from God Himself transforming our hearts and pouring His love into us so that we have the capacity to pour out love onto each other as well as those around us.
So much has happened and we are not who we were one year ago.
Alex is not the man I married one year ago. By God's amazing grace, he has been transformed more into the likeness of Christ Himself and it's a beautiful thing.
I praise God for His design. I praise Him for filling me with love for my husband that continues to grow deeper everyday.
I didn't think I could love Alex any more than I did on our wedding day, I thought I knew him very well on our wedding day. The funny thing is, we didn't really know each other all that well and though we chose each other and we loved each other, our love, knowledge and understanding of one another has grown so deeply. We have become best friends as well as lovers. I never knew it could be this wonderful. All due to the amazing grace and power of our Almighty God.
As time continues to go on, I know our love and knowledge of each other will continue to grow and I'm excited to see all that God has in store for us.
It has been almost a year since I got married. It's hard to believe yet I know we are still newlyweds.
There have been many ups and downs and many challenges I was surprised to deal with.
A big one has been the reality of the baggage from my past.
Though God has done an amazing work in forgiving and healing me, there is still a lot more to do.
The main purpose for this post is that I really want to share the reality of sexual sin. I know I've written about it before and for many people it's a very taboo subject but I think it's too important not to expose the devastating affects of this sin in the fiber of a person. I know many of you may be reading this and thinking, "Pfft, what does she know? I'm fine, I can handle a lifestyle like this. It's not affecting me at all." And to that I say, you are deceived and you don't even realize it.
1 Corinthians 6:12-20 says, "Everything is permissible for me"- but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me" - but I will not be mastered by anything. "Food for the stomach and the stomach for food" - but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By His power God raised the Lord from the dead, and He will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ Himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with Him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
Honoring God with our body is something that doesn't seem to be very common in our culture, inside the church as well as outside of it. If you don't belong to God, you probably dismiss this passage completely like you would the rest of Scripture. And though this is written to believers, (in Corinth it was especially important because the temple of the love goddess Aphrodite was there. This temple employed more than a thousand prostitutes as priestesses, and sex was a part of the worship ritual. Paul clearly states that Christian are to have no part in sexual immorality, even if it is acceptable and popular in our culture.) This doesn't sound too far from what our current culture is like.
So although it was written to believers there is still a deep wound that sexual immorality leaves even in non Christians because sex was never meant to be just a careless act. It was meant to be within the protection of a true commitment, that true commitment being marriage.
This is something that I rolled my eyes at. I thought it was an outdated "rule" and I figured I could handle doing whatever I wanted and not be affected at all. I was deceived.
The notes in my NIV Bible spoke a lot of clarity and truth on the subject of sex outside of marriage:
Christians are free to be all they can be for God, but they are not free from God. God created sex to be a beautiful and essential ingredient of marriage, but sexual sin - sex outside of the marriage relationship - always hurts someone. It hurts God because it shows that we prefer following our own desires instead of the leading of the Holy Spirit. It hurts others because it violates the commitment so necessary to a relationship. It often brings disease to our bodies. And it deeply affects our personalities, which respond in anguish when we harm ourselves physically and spiritually.
The part that hit be deepest in this paragraph is "it deeply affects our personalities, which respond in anguish when we harm ourselves physically and spiritually." The choices I made to indulge in sex outside of marriage continues to have impact on my personality. There are times I struggle with self hatred, rejection, loneliness, fear, unworthiness, and the list goes on. God has done tremendous work in these areas but there is a lot more work to be done.
Being married to the man God brought me is wonderful and amazing and God has used my husband to bring healing to so much of my brokenness. But he can't fix everything because he can't see everything the way God sees it. God knows the deep, deep scars that still remain due to my past choices. He knows what triggers memories and thoughts of self hatred more than I know what triggers those thoughts. At times I can't seem to find a way to stop those thoughts and can quickly get swept away into a pit of self pity and despair which can last from one day to a month.
This is the baggage I didn't realize I still carried. This is the personality change that has occurred in me due to my choices in the past. Or perhaps better said, these are the challenges that come up due to my past.
However, my personality has changed. When I was younger I was carefree and can remember feeling very passionate about not wanting to give up my virginity before I got married. (My whole testimony is a different and more detailed post read it here). But after I made the choice not to wait a lot about who I was changed. I didn't understand how to receive appropriate affection from men because most of the affection I did receive was usually sexual. So I started pulling away from my family, especially my Dad. I no longer felt comfortable around him, not because of him, but because of how I allowed myself to be treated by boys. I started comparing myself more and more with other girls and celebrities in movies, etc. I wanted guys to want me so if I didn't look like what I saw on T.V. I desperately did whatever I could to try to be as attractive as possible. This never seemed to work so the self hating thoughts would come and rejection would set it and push me into a downward spiral of depression. Yes indeed, my personality changed.
Now, years later, after the work that God has done, I still battle. The war isn't over in my mind and satan knows where to attack.
The lie I think people believe is that once you find someone who loves you and is committed to you, you won't have feelings of rejection anymore. That is not true. I love my husband very much, I'm beyond blessed to have him in my life and as I said earlier, God has used him in very very powerful ways to help me in this healing journey. But there are things he simply cannot fix, he is not my savior. Jesus Christ is my Savior and only through His affirmation, love, and healing can I have victory in this war. My husband is a weapon in it, but he alone can't proclaim victory for me.
If you are still reading and you don't care about God and think I'm crazy and that none of it applies to you, I still challenge that.
Even if you aren't a believer but you've indulged in sexual immorality, it has changed you. As my sister would say "how does your heart feel?" You've been with guy after guy, or maybe just one or two men, either way, how would say your heart has felt after they left you, after they rejected you and kicked you to the curb? You were hurt, broken, and found yourself feeling so bitter that you just wanted to "screw over every guy to get back and them" so you decided to spend your life going to bars, hooking up, and convincing yourself you won't get emotionally attached and had the attitude of "who cares, I only have one life to live ("YOLO" which is foolishness), so let's party and forget about the consequences." Maybe you're living that way right now. Whatever place you're in, this is a warning.
You will be changed. You will be broken. You will find it hard to commit, love and accept love. Stop the behavior now. Do whatever it takes. Find new friends, move out of his/her house...if a person doesn't love you enough to prove their commitment by marriage, they don't love you. This may sound harsh and you're thinking "you don't know my boyfriend/girlfriend, they do love me and they are committed!" Are YOU committed? Do you value yourself enough to not allow someone to use you?
Listen, you are probably thinking that I sound like a completely crazy, old fashioned, religious nut. But my heart in writing this, GOD'S heart for YOU, is that you experience all that sexual intimacy can be but the only way to do that is within marriage. I am telling you that the longer you keep living that lifestyle, the more baggage you will be carrying into a marriage if you ever get that far. You will be affected, deeply affected. Do you want to be different? Stand up against sex before marriage, don't go with the crowd. So many teenagers these days (I also used to think this way) want to be different than everyone else, they want to seem cooler, or more hip, or more edgy. You know the BEST way to do that, is to turn away from what everyone else does. Choose to wait. It's not too late even if you've already gone too far, you can choose from this moment on, to live a life of abstinence. This means not only refraining from intercourse with someone, it also means any other sexual acts as well as pornography or fantasizing. I am choosing to be blunt in saying these things because all too often people talk about purity meaning just keeping away from pre-marital sex but it is so much deeper than that.
I love you, GOD loves you too much to not warn you of the impending danger of sexual immorality.
God tells me I need to sing. I don't know why. I don't know how. I don't want to.
I am sharing this because it has been a very difficult journey that has only begun. I share this because maybe someone can relate.
Maybe you have a song in your soul but no one has ever asked. Maybe you sang in your home but felt rejected when your family ignored you or didn't want to listen. Maybe you feel locked inside yourself, wanting to burst out with emotions buried deep down but have lost the courage to just let go.
I have realized that this is my life. I have always enjoyed writing. Growing up I often wrote through the depression, loneliness, heartache, and rejection I experienced. But no one really noticed, no one seemed to care about what I wrote. It was emotional, sad, and caused most people to fear for my life and simply say things like "I'm sorry you feel this way, I am praying for you."
Is it possible that though the songs and poems were filled with sorrow, there was also a songwriter trying to break out of her shell? Is it possible that because no encouraged her and only felt sorry for her that she has grown to believe she would never be good enough to make music or be set free from the shell she is in?
Of course I'm not trying to blame anyone else for the person that I am today, but I have learned that the past does shape you into the person you become. I also believe that God has a purpose for all of this and the very place I am weakest in, is the place He wants to use to show others His glory.
So, I must learn to let go of my upbringing and not allow that to shape my future anymore.
I will admit that I get frustrated and sad when I see other people freely worship God on stage with ease and sing any song that is put in front of them. They all make it look so easy and in some cases seem almost prideful about it, but maybe that's my own insecurity rising up. Forgive me.
Deep in my soul I desperately want to be set free from my insecurities. I want to be set free from the fear of what others think of me. I want to be set free from my own pride of wanting to be good at everything.
And yet.
Here I sit, still feeling trapped. Trapped with so much music inside that I truly believe God wants to use for some unknown reason.
I plead with Him to call someone else. "There are so many people that are already good at this, just use them. They will do it in a heartbeat. They don't have to try, they don't fear, they're already ready to sing and write songs to You and for You. Just use them instead."
But He keeps persisting and I don't really understand why. Sometimes I even wonder if I have heard Him right, maybe I'm just making all this stuff up. But I wouldn't want to do this all on my own, in fact, I don't want to do this at all. Which is probably the very reason I am called to it.
I often feel like Gideon, throwing out fleeces to be sure I heard God correctly.
It's a wonderful thing that God is so gentle and forgiving.
This is all a process, I know. My husband tells me that God isn't going to force me to do something before I'm ready, that God will prepare me and when I'm ready He will make that clear to me. I think that's true and yet I still find myself wondering if I'm just being a drama queen and just need to get over it. That may also be true and some people will tell me such things, or at least think such things about me. But again, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. This is a journey I am on with God and God alone.
At times I do wish that I was encouraged more as a child, I wish my parents saw some kind of potential within me and gave me the resources to learn more so I could grow in this area. But again, it doesn't matter now and it's not their fault.
This is the life God has given me and the only thing I can do is keep walking step by step, one day at a time. He gives me my daily bread for today, not for tomorrow or next week but for today.
This is a new year and I know God is up to many things.
So with excitement but mostly feeling afraid of whatever painful process He needs to bring me through, I will follow Him.
I will follow Him unto the death of everything inside of me that is holding me back no matter how painful it will be.
Even unto death.
"Lover of my soul, even unto death with my every breath I will love You. Yeah, Lover of my soul, even unto death with my every breath I will love You. In my darkest hour, in humiliation, I will wait for You. I am not forsaken. Oh, I lose my life. Oh, my breath be taken. I will wait for You, I am not forsaken. One thing I desire, to see You in Your beauty.."
Some time has passed since my last post and another new season of life has come. It's one that is harder to welcome than I expected it to be.
Over the past 3 and a half years I have been serving a dear woman as one of her caregivers. I saw her a couple times every week and spent time doing various tasks regarding her personal care and the care of her home.
It was never just a "job" to me. I had the incredible opportunity to get to know someone who has been through more than I will ever be able to imagine. She taught me so much about love and compassion, and so much more. The loss of this dear woman has truly felt like the loss of part of my heart.
It's been hard to comprehend and explain, but I really didn't expect to be so grieved by her passing. I knew it would be hard but I never imagined I would be paralyzed with grief in the way I have been over the last few days. At first I believed I would be strong; that because we knew this was coming it would be easier to accept, but that was far from the truth.
Growing up I can remember wondering why my Mom was in this line of work. It always seemed odd to me that she wanted to be at a job in which the reason for the loss of that job was caused by the loss of a person.
My perspective changed dramatically as I got to know and care for my dear lady.
The pain I feel due to her loss is very deep but I wouldn't trade my time with her for anything.
Some people may think it strange that her death has affected me so much since she wasn't blood family but like I said earlier, it's hard to explain why it's been so hard on me. And besides, I was just as close to her as I am to blood family and probably even closer than that.
However, there is much to be thankful for!
She saw me go through many hardships over the years that I knew her and she always expressed how she was praying for me. When I informed her that God had sent me the man I was going to marry she expressed such excitement and proclaimed again that she had been praying for me. What a joy it was that she was able to be a part of my wedding and to see the fulfillment of her prayers. (I find it funny that she was inwardly so concerned about that part of my life but her prayers were special nonetheless).
We had many laughs together and a favorite story of hers was when a bat got in her house. She couldn't find it and so when I arrived I searched the house, finally discovering it in her bedroom under some medical equipment. I got a towel, picked it up, and put it outside. It was alive but fast asleep. We talked about that story over and over again and she always got a big laugh out of it.
I also remember the times my mom and I would bring her to get ice cream and how much she loved the outing. She would always be dressed up lipstick and all, waiting for us by the door when we would arrive to pick her up.
One evening around Christmas time we went to look at Christmas lights in Utica. Again, she was excited to go on an outing and we even got pizza afterwards which she loved! She never really had any dietary restrictions and would always have to have dessert! Usually one 'Chips Ahoy' crunchy cookie. Those cookies will probably always remind me of her from now on.
I could tell story after story of our time together and as I reflect on all the years with her, I feel sadness but also peace. I know that I was used by God in her life to bring comfort and happiness to a woman whom loved life and loved spending time with people she cared about most.
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Now that she is gone I am forced into a new season of life. With a husband who works full time, carrying the weight of our finances, I don't necessarily need to search for another way to provide income. I got used to having a busy week and looked forward to the places I had to go, but things are different now. There are plenty of various opportunities out there, I know, but for right now I'm processing through this new life.
I know that God is continuing to work things out and I can have hope for whatever this new season will bring.
Alex has been good to me too. Though it was hard for him at first to know what to do, which is pretty normal for anyone put in such a position, God really moved in him to be there for me when I needed him most. I praise God for bringing me such a faithful, compassionate and thoughtful man who has proven to me that the vows he made on our wedding day weren't just words, but that he fully intends to keep them. He's not perfect, but with Christ living inside him, he has been empowered to be obedient to the calling God has for a husband to lay down his life for his bride. It is the greatest blessing to be able to serve and submit to such a man whom sacrificed so much over the weekend to be by my side as I grieved the loss of my dear Elma.
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I am looking forward to whatever it is that God has for us now and even though it's not easy and my heart is still broken and heavy, I know God is with me guiding me through and I can rest completely in His mighty arms knowing that He sees me, understands my pain, and will not leave me. Ever.
It's been a few months since my last post and I have much to say and am excited to hopefully write on here a bit more.
As you read in the last post, God made it clear to me that He brought a wonderful man of God into my life to help me grow more into His likeness. That's exactly what He has been doing.
It's been a whirlwind these last few months. Alex and I spent many nights talking and praying with much intention to get to know each other in very deep ways. There have been so many wonderful lessons God has taught me and many moments when the love that God has for me was deeply expressed through Alex.
Alex proposed to me on March 15, 2015 under the stars beside the Hudson River. It was so very beautiful and a surprise to me even though we knew we would one day be married, I don't think I truly believed it.
During the next few weeks, (we chose May 2 as our wedding day), we learned a lot more about God and ourselves and the importance of having a firm foundation for marriage.
Now, just a mere month and a few days into our marriage, I write this with excitement to share all the things that God has shown me about Him, myself, and the culture we live in. Mostly good but some difficult things also. However, the difficult things are the very things that mold us into who God wants us to be. In this culture, we are obsessed with doing whatever we can to keep ourselves out of pain and trial thinking that if we are in pain there must be something wrong. But the Bible promises that trials will come and through persevering we will become more like Christ.
James 1:2-4 -
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Being born with love for the country, it has been interesting to adjust to the city. I take more walks with Mama than I have in a long time which is actually a good thing. It can be hard though, not having a lot of privacy because of so many people also walking around and always having to keep Mama on a leash. But we are adjusting to the new lifestyle. Alex loves Mama very much and expresses it to her a lot which is completely adorable and I appreciate it a lot.
Having to adjust, however, in many ways hasn't been that hard. Learning his habits and making new habits of my own is all a part of this new life. I suppose that because everyone's personalities are different, some things may be harder for other people than they have been for me but I have to say that I am very thankful for the person God made me to be. The personalities He has given Alex and I mesh very well and it's a wonderful thing.
Of course there are moments when my pride gets in the way and I discover how selfish I really am, but then I learn what God desires to bring out of me and can therefore ask Him to change me. It's a very good thing. Is it always easy to learn how selfish and prideful I truly am? Obviously not, but understanding that and allowing God to refine me is exactly how we grow, and I want to grow!
As God continues to teach me things about Him and myself I hope to write more with the intention of helping you understand more about yourself and what God desires in your life.
The lesson I will share in this post, I believe is a very important one given the culture we live in.
We are told that you can freely give yourself away to whoever you want, whenever you want with no strings attached. With no worry of emotional distress and no commitment. Even the most seemingly committed unmarried couple is not guaranteed to never break up. I also know that just because you get married it doesn't necessarily mean a forever commitment even though it should. I believe there is a very skewed perception of marriage in our culture which is why there are so many failed marriages. But I won't get into that right now.
The heart of what I want to share at this time is that about a week ago I was reflecting on my life and the joy of being married and I remembered the way I felt in the past when I was involved in unhealthy relationships.
Deep down I desperately wanted to connect with someone. I wanted to be emotionally and spiritually intimate with someone but neither the guy nor I knew how to do that nor did we really have intention to do that anyway. I looked at these men as someone who was supposed to complete me, understand me, and fulfill my deepest longings. This was an impossible expectation for many reasons. We weren't in a relationship with God, we were not married and we lacked deep communication and transparency with one another. See, even our best intentions to be committed to one person lack something if we don't choose to be married to them but wish to live in the lifestyle meant for only married people.
Again, the desire for a deep connection in my past was reflective of the longing I had for intimacy with Jesus and then also with the man He brought me to marry. The attempts I made to force commitment and intimacy apart from the way God designed it to be, never worked. It was only until I realized my need to make Jesus my Savior and not any man, that I experienced a true commitment and deep intimacy.
So, as I thought about these things, I realized that I had always wanted to believe someone would choose me out of all the other women in the world and desire such a commitment with me alone. Now that I am experiencing that, God has given me so much freedom. The freedom to be myself, to mess up, to cry, to express emotions, to question things, to reveal my insecurities, to give myself away, to hurt, to have joy, to be silly, to burn the eggs or forget to pick up the mail, and the list goes on. That doesn't mean it's easy when I fail or make mistakes but what I've come to appreciate is, as I said, the freedom to know that this person isn't going anywhere. He is choosing to be by my side no matter how much I fail.
I remember the fear of failing I had when I was in those bad relationships. I was afraid that when I would fail to perform the way he wanted in any given situation he would surely walk away from the relationship. Therefore, I was always on eggshells waiting to see what the last straw would be before he decided he didn't want to deal with me anymore. There was never any transparency or honest communication. I was constantly trying to perform for him so he would hopefully want to keep me around. It never worked and I was always rejected, left behind feeling like a broken and worthless failure time and time again. This only magnified the worthlessness I had felt to begin with.
I think about the people in this world that choose to live as though they are married to someone and the sadness they might feel (perhaps not all of them, at least not for the moment), and I think about myself when I did the very same thing. I thought I knew what I was doing. That I could choose my own path, live however I felt I wanted to and never end up broken. How blinded and lost I was.
Now as I am within God's design, experiencing the fullness of how He intended couples to live, I am nothing but thankful and overjoyed at what He has done in my life. The sense of permanency that comes with being married is incredible. And again, as I reflect on the way I chose to live in the past and the deep longings I had, it is beautiful to understand that this is what a healthy relationship should be. This is what God intended. He didn't create us to go from one person to the next looking for someone to be perfect before we decide to commit. We end up numb to any emotion because we give ourselves to so many people and then never commit anyway for fear that we will realize the person isn't perfect and we will have to run to another with hopes that the next person will be perfect. It's a vicious cycle and our culture is constantly feeding it to us. I fell into the trap and it is only by the love, mercy, and grace of God Almighty that I got out of the pit and can now understand the errors of my ways and the lies I was believing.
I don't have all the answers, and would never tell you that I have it all together but I do know this: my life is a testimony to the grace of God and I know without any doubt that apart from Him I would never be where I am today.
My encouragement to you dear friends, is that you would choose God's design. He wants what's best for you and as the Creator of everything, you can rest assured that He knows what He's doing. Think about this, my sister was asked by someone whom openly expressed her promiscuous lifestyle, what she thought of that decision. With God on her side, my sister asked, "How does your heart feel?" The person thought about it for a while and then responded, "I never thought about that, I guess I don't really feel anything anymore."
God's design is set in place for a reason. I understand what it feels like to be numb, to feel like I could never be redeemed, like my life would be a constant pattern of guy after guy after guy without any true commitment.
You can trust God, He has your best intention in mind. As He has given me the privilege of having an earthly husband, my hope is that you will also choose His way.
He can and will redeem you if you would only turn from your sinful ways and ask Him to restore you and give you a new life. Only then will you be able to truly experience the joy and blessing of His design.
With Love in Christ,
Mrs. Kuhl
"To some love is a word that they can fall into. But when they're falling out, keeping that word is hard to do. Love is a shelter in a raging storm. Love is peace in the middle of a war, and if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door. No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for."
This is going to be a short post but I feel as though I would like to explain the recent change in my life.
As I recognize that this is completely out of the blue and for most people it seems completely outrageous and wild, God is showing me that first of all, He knows far better then I in regards to my life and what I need. Also that He moves in completely unexpected ways that often don't make sense in our human minds. Especially in the way the mindset of American culture is and how things are done.
Of course there has been much prayer involved and seeking God and His heart concerning decisions that have been made and it has become clear that this is His heart for me.
As you all may or may not know, my whole life has been a struggle to find purpose and worth. I searched for it in unhealthy relationships that only left me feeling more worthless.
The ironic thing in all of this is that God had brought me to a place of
complete fulfillment in Him and I was content with being single and
just being His bride. As it has turned out, God was preparing me for
something more.
I am humbled and overwhelmed at the deep love that God has for me and the truth that is written in His word:
Romans 8:32
- He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all - how
will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?
This
verse was actually a promise God gave to me months ago when I
questioned whether or not I was called to singleness. God spoke to me
with that verse, declaring that He would one day bless me with the gift
of husband.
As if God hasn't already poured out blessings upon His daughter, He has still chosen to give me more.
There
is much more I would like to say about this and I will soon enough but I
wanted you all to be updated because I know I have expressed what God
has taught me about being fulfilled in Him alone and I am still
fulfilled in Him alone. He has just chosen to use a wonderful, amazing,
loving man of God to help me through the process of making me more holy
in His sight. This is what excites me most, becoming more Christlike.
I
ask for your blessings my friends and family and please pray for us as
we embark on this very unexpected journey. And please praise God for
this.
"You have always known me You know me, God, You have known me. You have always known my heart"
