Sometimes we encounter really difficult situations in life and we have to make choices about how to respond to them.
First I'd like to mention that today is my 9 months 'monthiversary' of being single. It's been an interesting ride these past few weeks. Some doubts about God's plan for me has crept in and yet He is always trustworthy and I know He has His best plan in mind.
Before I finally bowed my knee to Christ and truly surrendered everything to Him, I was stuck in the same pattern of bad relationship after bad relationship. The series of unhealthy, heart breaking relationships lasted for at least 10 years. Maybe a decade doesn't seem long to you but to me it felt like a lifetime. Within that decade of time everything I was got torn apart. My heart became so numb to any sort of feeling that I grew to believe that the pattern of broken relationships was all my life would ever be, and I convinced myself I was okay with that. I convinced myself that it was normal and there could be no other way.
If you've been reading any of my post from this past year you will know that God has changed all that in me. He has shown me a better way and proved that a person can, indeed, change. The change He made in me is so drastically different from the person I used to be it's hard to even imagine myself ever living in the way that I did. Which is what I have come to recognize is the proof that only Christ can change a person so drastically (try all you want on your own strength, it won't work, we're created to be completely dependent on God). What a relief that is because I'm pretty weak and in no way shape or form would I have or anyone else for that matter been able to change my heart's desires and lifestyle the way God has.
Okay, getting to the real purpose of this post:
Doubt and trust.
Did you know that it's OK and even normal to have moments of doubts in your Christian walk?
We as humans struggle with wondering what God's plan is for us - where are we supposed to work? Who are we supposed to marry? Where should I live? - The list goes on.
In recent history I've been doubting a few things. Not doubts of whether or not God loves me or even has a plan, but specifically doubts about which path to take and if it's been God's voice that I've been hearing or if somehow I've been doing things on my own, or worse yet, am I listening to the voice of the enemy? Is that possible? Do I not know the sound of my Master's voice? Am I a, um, not so smart sheep who doesn't know the sound of my Shepherd's voice?
I've been thinking and talking with some people close to me and I wonder if perhaps my old way of thinking is creeping in. I say that because the main thoughts in my head are ones of earthly matters, not eternal. I'm being selfish and prideful and expecting God to bend to my wishes because I'm convinced that I know better than Him.
It's kind of sad really because deep down I know that I don't know better than Him. He has what's best in mind for me because He loves me so much and wants to give me good things.
I know these things, and yet I still struggle with wondering what He is doing and if I will ever know! Or how long will it take to know? Why must I wait? What are you doing in me that needs so much time to figure out?
Then I'm brought back to reality.....(my dear Mother pointed this out)..."there are 10 years worth of brokenness in your heart and it's been 9 months since you made your promise." OHHH right, that makes sense to me...there's a lot of junk that needs to be dealt with. Ten years worth. Can God restore me overnight or in a few months? Yes, He can. But He's not and that's OK.
Truthfully, if He brought to the surface all the deep hurts in my heart from all those years my frail human frame would probably burst at the seams and I'd be constantly dehydrated from all the tears cried.
Throughout these months God has been gently bringing hurts to my mind and healing me slowly. Sure, the process is kind of frustrating and at times I think I could handle more but then I breakdown and don't want any more! Oh, how frail we are. However, I'd rather be frail and fall into my Savior's arms knowing I am safe and that He has my entire life in His hands. I've lived the life of pretending to have it all together and not inviting Christ to help me, it's a miserable, desperate, sad, and tiresome one.
Doubt still creeps in though, and I find myself crying out to God and asking Him what He's doing and where I'm being lead to. Wondering if I've missed a step in the process or gone backwards and have to start all over again.
Is one year enough time for God to heal every layer from every year that I walked away from Him? I want to believe the answer to be 'yes' but I can't be sure.
He has done an incredible amount in me in the last 9 months but with only 3 left can He really restore me fully? There is still a fear of commitment in my heart. Then the thoughts that my life will always be an endless pattern of failed relationships creeps its head in. After all it was like that for 10 years. I know, I know, those negative thoughts are lies. They are lies that the enemy is attempting to use in order to toss me into a pit of worthlessness and yet another broken heart.
My doubts may not go away today or tomorrow but I am comforted to know that even in those doubts God is faithful and I know I can trust Him.
2 Corinthians 4:16 says - Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
The commentary in my NIV study Bible says:
It is easy to lose heart and quit. (Truth!) We all have faced problems in our relationships or in our work that have caused us to want to think about laying down the tools and walking away. Rather than giving up when persecution wore him down, Paul concentrated on experiencing the inner strength from the Holy Spirit. Don't let fatigue, pain, or criticism force you off the job. Renew your commitment to serving Christ. Don't forsake your eternal reward because of the intensity of today's pain. Your very weakness allows the resurrection power of Christ to strengthen you moment by moment.
2 Corinthians 4:17-18 - For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Well, that's a relief, this current struggle won't last forever AND it has eternal value. Praise God!
So, I know that even in moments or seasons of doubt (1) God is still good, (2) God is still faithful, (3) He hasn't forgotten me, and (4) He still has a plan. The BEST plan in mind for me.
"We must realize and embrace the truth that God genuinely wants what is best for us, and doubt attempts to lead us away from God's best."
This I know: I can trust my King. Always and forever. Just let God, be God. He's got this.
First I'd like to mention that today is my 9 months 'monthiversary' of being single. It's been an interesting ride these past few weeks. Some doubts about God's plan for me has crept in and yet He is always trustworthy and I know He has His best plan in mind.
Before I finally bowed my knee to Christ and truly surrendered everything to Him, I was stuck in the same pattern of bad relationship after bad relationship. The series of unhealthy, heart breaking relationships lasted for at least 10 years. Maybe a decade doesn't seem long to you but to me it felt like a lifetime. Within that decade of time everything I was got torn apart. My heart became so numb to any sort of feeling that I grew to believe that the pattern of broken relationships was all my life would ever be, and I convinced myself I was okay with that. I convinced myself that it was normal and there could be no other way.
If you've been reading any of my post from this past year you will know that God has changed all that in me. He has shown me a better way and proved that a person can, indeed, change. The change He made in me is so drastically different from the person I used to be it's hard to even imagine myself ever living in the way that I did. Which is what I have come to recognize is the proof that only Christ can change a person so drastically (try all you want on your own strength, it won't work, we're created to be completely dependent on God). What a relief that is because I'm pretty weak and in no way shape or form would I have or anyone else for that matter been able to change my heart's desires and lifestyle the way God has.
Okay, getting to the real purpose of this post:
Doubt and trust.
Did you know that it's OK and even normal to have moments of doubts in your Christian walk?
We as humans struggle with wondering what God's plan is for us - where are we supposed to work? Who are we supposed to marry? Where should I live? - The list goes on.
In recent history I've been doubting a few things. Not doubts of whether or not God loves me or even has a plan, but specifically doubts about which path to take and if it's been God's voice that I've been hearing or if somehow I've been doing things on my own, or worse yet, am I listening to the voice of the enemy? Is that possible? Do I not know the sound of my Master's voice? Am I a, um, not so smart sheep who doesn't know the sound of my Shepherd's voice?
I've been thinking and talking with some people close to me and I wonder if perhaps my old way of thinking is creeping in. I say that because the main thoughts in my head are ones of earthly matters, not eternal. I'm being selfish and prideful and expecting God to bend to my wishes because I'm convinced that I know better than Him.
It's kind of sad really because deep down I know that I don't know better than Him. He has what's best in mind for me because He loves me so much and wants to give me good things.
I know these things, and yet I still struggle with wondering what He is doing and if I will ever know! Or how long will it take to know? Why must I wait? What are you doing in me that needs so much time to figure out?
Then I'm brought back to reality.....(my dear Mother pointed this out)..."there are 10 years worth of brokenness in your heart and it's been 9 months since you made your promise." OHHH right, that makes sense to me...there's a lot of junk that needs to be dealt with. Ten years worth. Can God restore me overnight or in a few months? Yes, He can. But He's not and that's OK.
Truthfully, if He brought to the surface all the deep hurts in my heart from all those years my frail human frame would probably burst at the seams and I'd be constantly dehydrated from all the tears cried.
Throughout these months God has been gently bringing hurts to my mind and healing me slowly. Sure, the process is kind of frustrating and at times I think I could handle more but then I breakdown and don't want any more! Oh, how frail we are. However, I'd rather be frail and fall into my Savior's arms knowing I am safe and that He has my entire life in His hands. I've lived the life of pretending to have it all together and not inviting Christ to help me, it's a miserable, desperate, sad, and tiresome one.
Doubt still creeps in though, and I find myself crying out to God and asking Him what He's doing and where I'm being lead to. Wondering if I've missed a step in the process or gone backwards and have to start all over again.
Is one year enough time for God to heal every layer from every year that I walked away from Him? I want to believe the answer to be 'yes' but I can't be sure.
He has done an incredible amount in me in the last 9 months but with only 3 left can He really restore me fully? There is still a fear of commitment in my heart. Then the thoughts that my life will always be an endless pattern of failed relationships creeps its head in. After all it was like that for 10 years. I know, I know, those negative thoughts are lies. They are lies that the enemy is attempting to use in order to toss me into a pit of worthlessness and yet another broken heart.
My doubts may not go away today or tomorrow but I am comforted to know that even in those doubts God is faithful and I know I can trust Him.
2 Corinthians 4:16 says - Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
The commentary in my NIV study Bible says:
It is easy to lose heart and quit. (Truth!) We all have faced problems in our relationships or in our work that have caused us to want to think about laying down the tools and walking away. Rather than giving up when persecution wore him down, Paul concentrated on experiencing the inner strength from the Holy Spirit. Don't let fatigue, pain, or criticism force you off the job. Renew your commitment to serving Christ. Don't forsake your eternal reward because of the intensity of today's pain. Your very weakness allows the resurrection power of Christ to strengthen you moment by moment.
2 Corinthians 4:17-18 - For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Well, that's a relief, this current struggle won't last forever AND it has eternal value. Praise God!
So, I know that even in moments or seasons of doubt (1) God is still good, (2) God is still faithful, (3) He hasn't forgotten me, and (4) He still has a plan. The BEST plan in mind for me.
"We must realize and embrace the truth that God genuinely wants what is best for us, and doubt attempts to lead us away from God's best."
This I know: I can trust my King. Always and forever. Just let God, be God. He's got this.
"Be still my soul and rest
Humbly I confess
In my weakness
Your strength is perfect
For You alone are God
There will be no other
And You have won my heart
More than any other
So I will give it all
'Cause You gave it all for me"
Humbly I confess
In my weakness
Your strength is perfect
For You alone are God
There will be no other
And You have won my heart
More than any other
So I will give it all
'Cause You gave it all for me"
-Brit
