Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I want to choose you.

Went to Asheville and Winston-Salem, NC.

My stomach in knots.
Your face hidden behind my eyes.
I cannot see another, not the way I saw you.
Feeling confused. Trapped.
My heart is pounding.
There is something I need from you
Something I cannot explain
Just completely enchanted, captivated.
There was something real, can't you see?
Eyes filling with tears, heart breaking again.
I needed you to be with me.
It was hard for me to understand
I wish you let me in.
I wanted to know you, all of you.
Desperately scratching at my insides
I am screaming a whisper, dying to tell you,
I love you. After all, I love you.

During a walk on Christmas I daydreamed about a life with you.
Caring for you in ways that were difficult before. I miss you. I just really miss you.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Sadness sets in.

Stowe, VT.

Went to the Ben and Jerry's factory. Climbed a mountain. Learned some things about myself.

I have noticed a pattern in myself, so beware if you're not a family member.(cos you're stuck with me)

I've realized I am unable to keep someone around for an entire year. It's true, every friend I've had, every relationship I've been in has never had a 1 year anniversary.
SO I have to believe something is terribly wrong with me.
I push people away because I don't want to be rejected. I figure, that before I get hurt, I'll be the one to do the hurting, that way I don't have to go through being let down.

As a strong believer that all emotions I have in my adult life have come about from something that happened during my childhood; I just can't put my finger on exactly what happened. I always recall my parents being loving towards me, and my siblings loved me I think...hmmm interesting.
Perhaps as I got older something happened. I have started to think I should blame it on dating too early. I don't think my family had anything to do with it. I think I was too influenced by friends and significant others at that time.
Specifically boyfriends..and being in a high school relationship, of course it didn't "work out" why would it? It was high school. But at the time it meant everything to me and my heart got terribly broken, and I was cheated on and made to feel like I wasn't good enough. That there was someone worth more than me and my feelings didn't matter.

I don't talk to most people about this stuff, and if you happen to be reading this, I don't want to talk to you about it now. If you feel like it, keep reading, but seriously, don't ask me about it because I will clam up, not know what to say, and probably just get awkward and upset.

I suppose I just get into a "funk" as some may say, and I don't want anything to do with anyone. I want to just sit in my melancholy emotions and probably cry.
But my heart does hurt. And I wish I knew what was truly wrong with me and though I think I know how to help myself, I feel I can't do what I need to right now. It's these walls I have in front of me...they've been broken down in the past but they always seem to build themselves up again before I realize I need to put sugar in their concrete.

I just get scared of being left behind. I get scared that one day you tell me you want to be with me forever then the next day I watch you walk away and wonder again to myself, "what have I done?"

I don't like having regrets, but if I could go back I wouldn't have had any boyfriends because at this point I believe they are the culprits in making me feel so negatively about myself. (or at least they have a lot to do with it)

I know that most of my posts on this blog are sad and I apologize for that. I just find that I am a lot better at writing everything out than I am at speaking. And because I don't like talking about this anyway, I choose to write it here. For the whole world to see if they so please.

It's a way for you to really get to know me and my burdens without me having to discuss them with you, which I won't anyway.

We all have burdens and pains we sometimes don't share but for me, I have to get it out sometime otherwise I think my heart would break right out of my chest. And this is how I choose to let it out.

"You told me you loved me so why did you go away?...now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes..all that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss. Never thought we'd have a last kiss. Never imagined we'd end like this. Your name, forever the name on my lips...We can plan for a change in weather and time I never planned on you changing your mind."

Melancholy.
Stowe Pinnacle Mt.